The River
Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Dead Weight Of You


Clark: "No big deal, just erasing the part where I told your kid I was fucking your wife. How's it going?"
Emmet: "I think everything is going to be okay. Or Linc is possessed by a demon."
Clark: "Cool, cool."

AJ: "Clark, I am going to turn your cameras on you now!"
Clark: "Every episode somebody tries that shit, and every episode it's less cute."
AJ: "But you're in love with Tess! It's yucky!"
Clark, ya know, like a real British person would say: "I've just enough of your gobby, gobby little ways!"

They fight or something. Cole and Lena have a meeting around this time, as we'll see. Suddenly, Clark and AJ stop fighting and begin to kiss passionately; falling back onto the galley table where people totally eat, they spot parts of Jonas in the rafters.

Something, it seems, is afoot.


Lena: "Hey Lincoln, how's it going? You old so-and-so."
Lincoln: "I could really use some company. And you're so fun to be around."
Lena: "Whaaaaat? Cole was right. You are a demon."
Lincoln: "I know you're in love with me. It always grossed me out, because you're you, but now I would like to bone."

They kiss. It's kind of sad because she's such a dork and the whole thing is so embarrassing.

Lena: "Cool. Have a nip of this demon-roofie and we can go have intercourse."
Lincoln: "This tastes... Oh shit! Demon cramps!"

Emmet shows up out of nowhere and starts beating the shit out of Lincoln; it's amazing.


Linc is all tied up on a table, spazzing out demon-style. Lena just wants to see Jonas's dead body for some reason.

Lena: "How could Linc do that?"
Cole: "Because as I keep explaining to you, it's not Lincoln that did it, but a demon."
Lena: "But I've known Linc forever! How could he just kill Cappie like that?"
El Boiuna: "You are dumber than a sack of rocks."
Lena: "We actually sell those at REI. Next to the kettle bells."
El Boiuna: "There's magic out there!"

Lena: "So wait, that's a demon and not Lincoln?"
Emmet: "Yeah, the Black Snake. The God of Demons. The Boiuna itself."
Lena: "But how did this happen?"
Emmet: "My wife is an A-hole. Long story short, Tess happened."

Emmet: "Lena, hold this jar over Linc's face so a dragonfly will go in his mouth. He will either lez out, or the dragonfly will fight the river inside his skinny body. Either way, it's going to be cool."

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The River




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