The River
The River

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 435 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
How I Hate Your Mother

Kurt comes in shoving Rabbit, who is apparently the only survivor. Which makes sense, because you can't really say that self-preservation isn't a virtue of hers. Tess climbs right up one of her nostrils and becomes -- who knew this was possible -- even more off-putting.

Tess: "WHERE IS MY HUSBAND! WHY DID YOU LEAVE HIM?"
Rabbit: "Sorry. He was emotionally manipulating me into becoming the skin-flayed dinner of a wind demon, so..."

Fuck you, Tess! You are the Worst! I realize that she's supposed to be grief-stricken and/or paralyzed by hope, but you need at least one goddamn character trait or positive moment to buy this much bullshit, and instead she is just this constant onslaught of personality-free asshole behavior. Do I care if she finds her husband? No, and I'll do you one better: I hope she never fucking finds him. I hope when she finds him he's got his cut-off dick sticking out the mouth of his decapitated head. I hope she finds him and the first thing he says is, "Honey, I'm gay and I never loved you," and then he shoots off one of her feet.

ZOMBIES!

Zombies attack. We run from them. This goes on forever and ever.

REST STOP

Tess: "Was Emmet here? What happened to him?"
Rabbit: "They fixed him up, gave him some tennis shoes and shaved him, and then right around that point in time everybody turned into zombies."
Tess: "Did he turn into a zombie? Or maybe a dragonfly cocoon?"
Rabbit: "I'm not sure, but I doubt it. Especially that second one, I don't think that's a thing that would happen."

Rabbit: "Sorry we left you in eternal torment that time, Jonas."
Jonas: "It's okay. I suddenly hate Dr. Emmet Cole so much that it is freaky."

Linc: "I found damaged video records on this laptop. Using computer skills, I shall recover this footage I have found. This found footage, if you will."
Lena, verbatim: "Here, let me try. You're really good with the blood and the guts, but the electronics? Not so much."
Lincoln: "You are such a fucking asshole. Why do you talk like that, like someone on an internet forum in 1999 that doesn't know they're a nerd? Why are you like this? Who could ever love you?"
Lena: "Epic fail!"

The River

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