In some unnecessary flashbacks, we get to see what everybody was doing before the mission began, and it's... Pretty much what they said was going on. Well, Lena had some kind of grand mal seizure at the REI where she was working, which is when she suddenly knew that she needed to remote-activate the beacon because Cole was alive (which contradicts the last three episodes, but whatever) -- and maybe more interestingly, Kurt's little girlfriend he's always Sprechening with on that sat-phone is just that: His girlfriend. Fiancee, in fact.
And not only do they enjoy being sexy and Germanic together, but they are also both in on the plot to destroy anybody finding out about the Source or whatever was going on in that Dharma compound we found last week. And as if the cold-blooded murder of scientists weren't dear enough, they're also very much in love and getting married. Why, that almost makes me not care about the fact that they are murdering thugs and so evangelically opposed to... Whatever is going on.
What that is, exactly, is a lot of pseudoscientific hoohah, but apparently the Dharmas were operating on the secret angel people -- some of whom have wings of bone, some of whom have Lena's birthmark -- in order to synthesize their immortality mutation into a retrovirus that can cure cancer.
Yeah, you heard me. I left out no words, nor did I rearrange them into nonsense. That's just actually what this show is about, apparently.
So once they'd discovered this angel-DNA retroviral aboriginal Boiunatic cancer-curing mutation spray, which was right around the time Dr. Cole got dropped off at the gate, Kurt's girlfriend decided it was time to gun down everybody in that particular lab so that nobody would find out or something. But shooting a virus sometimes makes it turn people into zombies, I don't know if you know this, but sometimes that can happen -- so then it did. The zombies started chopping each other up for food and storing dead bodies in large rotting piles, and that's I guess when Rabbit finally straggled in.
Meaning that, when our crew finally begins exploring the facility, she's the only one there still speaking English. Not very helpful, a shellshocked Rabbit, as it turns out. It's still a disappointing surprise every time Tess survives anything, but Rabbit is right up there. What a useless person, which, it takes a lot to distinguish yourself that way in this bag of dicks.
So after Lincoln has to dig through the piles of rotting bodies looking for Dr. Cole, and after fuckin' Tess makes everybody play hopscotch between sleeping zombies in a tunnel to go investigate a sparkly windchime in another building, and after Kurt shoots all of the zombies to death including his fiancee* -- Kurt still hasn't explained why he hasn't just blasted all these motherfuckers to hell already and stop pussing around about it, but I'm beginning to think that's going to remain a mystery -- Tess finally gives up hope and realizes what a complete ass she's been making of herself this entire time.
Which is when Spielberg music starts playing and a CGI dragonfly shows up -- "Every time we've seen a dragonfly," Lincoln spouts embarrassingly, "It's seemed like we were getting closer!" -- and leads them to a large pulsing chrysalis, in which can be found Dr. Emmet Cole. How come? Who cares! Science is why! They cut him out, outrun a bunch of zombies, take him back to the Magus, and everybody's cool.
Except for everybody, because nobody on this show is cool: Cappie somehow has decided that he hates Emmet and Lincoln with a random fiery hate; Kurt is now drunk and will only speak in German; and Clark is still in love with Tess for some inconceivable reason. And yes, Tess, who is a bitch to Rabbit for zero reasons and threatens to leave her in the jungle and generally just stomps around being ludicrous even more than she did when they didn't have her precious moon-unit husband onboard. Oh, and Lena, who is shocked to find out that Lincoln has a girlfriend back home in Chicago that he hasn't mentioned.
That's when the zombies (*including the girlfriend one that Kurt shot full of bullets which is why he is drunk, but I guess that's not what happened after all) attack again! They murder Rabbit, they try and fail to murder any other cast member, and Kurt has a thing where he shoots Hana in the head for refusing to stop being all zombie at him, and then the second zombie gets shot by Emmet Cole, who is apparently up and around and stayed well-shaven in his pupa this whole time.
So, yeah. It's been nice seeing them find new ways to do the impossible trick of making found footage seem fairly fresh and interesting each week, and last week was amazing, but God was that a plotty mess. Going week-by-week and judging on the merits, as I always try to do, there's been plenty of good stuff on this show; this episode was not great.
And of course, the breadcrumbs -- as they were -- were not all that mind-blowing. They told us it was zombies out there, for six weeks, and then it turned out to be zombies out there. And secret angel retrovirus vivisections out there. And insufferable psychic know-it-all accordion players with birthmarks out there. And German murder-couples out there, who keep going on and on about how they have to kill people but never quite get around to it out there. And endless pandering fucking Speilberg cheesy wonderment concertos for no reason out there.
You know what wasn't out there? Magic, really. Not a lot of magic out there.
Next Week: Zombies, more of them. Magical mysteries. Emmet Cole probably not acquitting this show as well as he did last week. Questions being answered, but probably not the interesting ones. The countdown to official cancellation begins. And Tess probably outlives every single one of us.
...Oh, who cares. Amazon, magic out there, everybody's an asshole, yadda yadda.
CHICAGO - 7 MOS AGO - MEDICINE COLLEGE
While their teacher says things that are literally about what's going to happen at the Dharma Compound seven months from now, which is so stupid and lazy. Really? You're going to talk about gene sequencing and mineralized wing masses and the Source and a cure for cancer, all in the same five minutes of a lecture? What's this class called, exactly?
MS303: Stuff The Germans Don't Want Emmet Cole To Figure Out, Seminar.
Guest Lecturer, Harry L. Exposition, DDS.
At least when Lost pulled this constant-coincidence shit they thought they were making a point. They weren't -- of course -- but they were at least trying to do something.
Professor of Science Facts: "Now a major branch of genomics is still concerned with sequencing the genomes of various organisms..."
Lincoln's Girlfriend: "I wish we knew how to cure boredom."
Jacob: "You don't even know, lady."
Dr. This Is So Stupidly Relevant: "...which is mainly concerning patterns of gene expression... Now the most important tools here are the microarrays! And the bioinformatics!"
Lincoln: "Put that camera phone away! I'm uncomfortable being on camera because of my Jonny Quest childhood."
Mr. How Ironic That You're Talking About This: "A study of the full set of proteins during various conditions is called proteomics."
Lincoln: "Hello, Mom? I'm in that class about Dad and Germans and science, please stop calling me. Oh, what's that? Dad is missing? I guess I care."
Professor Of Just Making Shit Up: "...Mineralized biological tissues... The, uh, macroscopic function..."
Lincoln: "Is he talking about people growing wings out of their backs and weird birthmarks that look like the logo of a skateboard company or proprietary online conferencing system? How weird. How weird. Anyway, my Dad is dead and I have to go. Bye, medical school! It's been great learning all of this made-up bullshit fake nonsense that will come in handy later, on the Boiuna."
DHARMA - NOW
Coles: "Dad! Emmet! Dad! Dad! Emmet! Dad! Dad! Emmet! Dad!"
Crew: "What do you think was going on here? Maybe botany, or they were very scientific drug runners. Maybe we should get out of here, since it looks so tore up, as if zombies."
Tess: "[You already know what she says. I'm not going to dignify it.]"
Clark: "By hitting one key on this piano, I can somehow figure out that the whole thing is in tune."
Kurt: "This creepy German music makes me want to suckle a breast of a grown woman."