The River
The Experiment

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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How I Hate Your Mother

They talk about how it is zombies, but they pretend they're not talking about that, and then everybody tromps through the facility some more. We are a third of the way through the episode, by the way, at this moment, and all they have found is a bunch of bodies and a million creepy things to point very shaky cameras at. I would like to see this show on the IMAX, because the only thing better than being bored out of your tits is throwing up on them at the same time.

Clark: "We are getting the fuck out of here."
Tess: "[Guess. I dare you to guess.]"
Lincoln: "Shut up, Mom! We're leaving, Mom!"

RESEARCH

As if this show weren't already pretty much a video game, this episode is literally like playing a video game. We have now reached the OR where all the research was done. I'll let Lincoln break it down for ya:

RE: The operating table, near a surgical bowl of blood: "This is an operating room!"
RE: A whiteboard containing absolutely no genetic maps whatsoever: "These are genetic maps!"
RE: Random words regarding botanical things: "Cellular alteration and mutation!"
RE: The chemical formula for like, table salt: "It looks like they were doing some kind of pharmaceutical research!"

AJ: "A research facility in the middle of the bloody Amazon?"

Like that's somehow less likely than any of the other uses to which this compound might be put.

They find a Boiunatic in a tank, just floating around in there, and seemingly the Dharmas have murdered him. On the front of him he's got the birthmark -- stupid Lincoln pulls out the necklace to compare them; stupid Lena flashes back to shaving her hairy neck that time -- and on the back of him are bony spurs like you might have if you had your wings cut off. Secret Angel People! They are real!

Kurt comes in shoving Rabbit, who is apparently the only survivor. Which makes sense, because you can't really say that self-preservation isn't a virtue of hers. Tess climbs right up one of her nostrils and becomes -- who knew this was possible -- even more off-putting.

Tess: "WHERE IS MY HUSBAND! WHY DID YOU LEAVE HIM?"
Rabbit: "Sorry. He was emotionally manipulating me into becoming the skin-flayed dinner of a wind demon, so..."

Fuck you, Tess! You are the Worst! I realize that she's supposed to be grief-stricken and/or paralyzed by hope, but you need at least one goddamn character trait or positive moment to buy this much bullshit, and instead she is just this constant onslaught of personality-free asshole behavior. Do I care if she finds her husband? No, and I'll do you one better: I hope she never fucking finds him. I hope when she finds him he's got his cut-off dick sticking out the mouth of his decapitated head. I hope she finds him and the first thing he says is, "Honey, I'm gay and I never loved you," and then he shoots off one of her feet.

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The River

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