The River
The Experiment

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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How I Hate Your Mother

MAKESHIFT SICKROOM

Tess: "Why won't Emmet wake up? When's he going to wake up?"
Linc: "Even with my vast knowledge of what happens when people spend time inside dragonfly cocoons during a zombie outbreak, I can't be sure." Tess: "I'm just glad we're a family again."

Clark, watching: "I sure am not."

Lena: "Lincoln, I made you some food. It has nutrition in it."
Linc: "I am ungrateful for that. Also, I have a girlfriend back home, so..."
Lena: "Yeah, we should totally be discussing this right now. Hey, I'm just going to cry about that and throw myself on the bed and write in my journal."

ON DECK

Tess: "Feeling better?"
Rabbit: "Better now that I'm on a boat with food in my belly and a blanket, rather than running around a tiny building from zombies every twenty minutes for the last five months? Yeah."
Tess: "Good, because you can go fuck yourself."

Tess excoriates her for about ten minutes, about how she better not fucking talk to reporters about this and that she can find her own way out of the Amazon and all this stuff. If I were Rabbit, I would point out that she's mostly just upset about the blowjobs, but if I were anybody on this show I would avoid fucking Tess at all costs in the first place.

The second Tess leaves, the zombies attack Rabbit and kill her. It's like they were goddamn waiting for Tess to get to safety.

EDITING BAY

Kurt arrives, wobbling in the doorway, to babble at AJ in German. What he wants is for AJ to erase today's tape, and also to tell him that he is going to kill Emmet Cole. Later. Which seems to be Kurt's entire deal, just Not Killing Them. Like, did he really need them to take him with them to Dharma, if he already knew where it was? And who was he talking to this whole time if the zombies... Wait, so the zombies started a month ago? Okay, that makes sense, then. Lena activated the beacon around that time, and the journey started, whereas before that point he was getting dropped off at the facility. But that still doesn't explain who Kurt has been talking to, if Hana's been a zombie since the show started... Oh my God, look at me caring. Ha!

AJ: "Please just tell me what your deal is. It's like my only thing on this show since my one episode."
Kurt: "Nein."

Then, quickly -- but not really that quickly -- they see the zombie attack and realize that zombie(s) are on board, so Kurt grabs Jahel out of the steering wheel room and everybody fights zombies for awhile, and Kurt has a whole moment where he can't bring himself to kill Hana -- which would matter if either of them were actual characters and/or if their entire deal on this show weren't to kill everybody else on this show, but like most TV it seems to think that when a guy hands a chick a ring in a box, you're going to give a shit what happens to them -- but then he shoots her in the face like eleven times and it's risible, because who cares? Nobody. Nobody cares about this Penelope/Desmond bullshit that manages to be even more cardboard fake and dumb than that, and also existed for a half-hour total.

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The River

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