Road to Stardom
You Ain't Confident, You're Cocky

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I'm Too Punk Rock For This

...Steve the Hard-Ass Road Manager! He tells the contestants that they have two minutes to get off the bus. I feel like if he really wanted to be a Hard-Ass, he would call them all cockroaches and stuff to get them moving. Except on second thought, this might actually only motivate the actual cockroaches on the bus to get their shit together, and, if allowed to enter the challenges, they would doubtlessly out-talent the current crop of contestants. Road to Stardom: Battle of the Species. The cockroaches would need a really powerful microphone, though, which puts them at a distinct disadvantage. Akil tells us that they are at Jimi Hendrix's Electric Lady Studios, and I cannot stop imagining a little cockroach with dreads and a guitar strapped to his back saying, "That's righteous, man. Increase the peace!" in a very tiny, scratchy voice.

The contestants enter the studio, where Dallas Austin awaits them. Dallas throws down a beat, and Matthew explains that the group of eager famewhores wasted no time in approaching the mic and improvising a bit. Matthew thinks that he was one of the strongest, and sings a little ditty with the lines, "See before this time is through/ Y'all be saying, 'Justin Timber-who?'" which is kind of funny since he has been identified as a bit of a Justin doppelganger. But then he continues, "Because I gots ta be my own man." And a little word of advice to all the whiteys out there who are eager to demonstrate that they've got a little soul in them: never use the word "gots" when "got" will suffice. It just sounds stupid, and doesn't disguise the fact that you went to private school.

Frank B. steps up to the mic and raps with fierce intensity. He sounds pretty good, and comes out with the line, "You a gansta but you duckin' on the Fourth of July/ I'm hungry and you been eatin'..." and I swear that he's going to say something about eating a delicious slice of pie. But, sadly, he doesn't. He repeats a line about dyslexics playing Scrabble that he's used before, but doesn't continue his very promising opus on dentistry. Dallas, in the control room, indicates that he's impressed with Frank. Jessica steps up and, for a minute, when she's not on screen, I think it's Matthew. Oh, the gays. They all sound alike. Akil takes a turn, and is awesome as usual. Dallas says that Akil is his homeboy, and Frank B. interviews that Akil is one of the sickest talented people he's ever seen. I must agree, and would add that he's totally cute, even though I bet he's that "I don't believe in anti-perspirant" kind of guy. And why is it that those guys are never also the types who enjoy frequent showers?

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Road to Stardom

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