Road to Stardom
You Ain't Confident, You're Cocky

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I'm Too Punk Rock For This

Nic says that Frank is a "better battler," and could whup his ass in a rap-off. Steve respects Nic's honesty. Frank, who is still mighty pissed off, starts to rap anyway. His freestyle goes a little something like this: "This wannabe Nelly pretty boy is killin' me/ Hatin' but you feelin' me, be honest and be real with me/ You should switch your career, cause you sure could act/ White man can't jump, but I sure could rap/ Your flow's washed up like throwbacks and spinners/ You so whack, you're finished, so fall back diminished/ Your whole style's a gimmick so face facts you timid/ I'm 100% Italian and I'm all for extortion/ The only reason you still here is your ma couldn’t afford an abortion." Now, if Frank B. said that about my mom, I think I'd probably want to kill him. Nic, apparently, takes more offense at being compared to Nelly. He yells, "YOU JUST COMPARED ME TO NELLY, DUDE!" and tells Frank that he's made an enemy on the bus. And that's tough talk for a total idiot.

Steve calls everyone together and says that they're going to see Missy in Virginia. Frank says that he's not sorry for what he did. He says, "Everybody's talented, but...Nic is garbage, man. Mark my words, he'll be gone." That's tough talk for a dental hygienist. Commercials.

When we return, the Double Dutch Bus is rolling on. Missy interviews that the kids think they're going to her hometown in Virginia, but little do they know that this is another performance challenge. Cut to a shot of Missy laughing. Bwah ha ha ha! She laughs in an evil, French fashion! Were she only to have a handlebar moustache to twist! She says that we'll get to see who's been really working, and who's been slacking off. See, I think this is what they mean when they keep telling the contestants to be ready for anything.

The bus pulls off in Pokemoke, Maryland. Something tells me that Pokemoke is on the outskirts of Buttfuck. It is 11:34 PM. Wow, that is really kind of awful. And apparently UPN's idea of a set is "abandoned lot on the side of the road." It looks cold, too. The three judges lounge on the hoods of various cars. Teena Marie must be on a Buick, which is the only car big enough to support her increasingly large frame. She just looks...expansive. And now I can also see why she wore those dark glasses in the first episode. Her neck is sort of hanging over her collar. It's not a good look.

Nilyne says that, once she saw Dallas, she knew that the test was going to have to do with the track they received earlier. Mona re-introduces the judges, and confirms Nilyne's suspicion. She also says that, by the end of the tour, that track could be the winner's first single. She tells them that being a star is hard work, and that she hopes, for their sake, that they've been working hard. For this performance challenge, the judges want to hear how far each contestant has gotten on the track. We see lots of scared, shady, suspicious looks from the contestants. Nilyne interviews that some people didn't even listen to the track, and that none of them thought a competition would come this soon. Suckas! Do not fuck with Missy, because she will cut you.

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Road to Stardom




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