The Script & The Sherpa

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Meat Is Murder

At Ari's office, lovely Emily is all, "You left your wallet at my house." Did I? Fuck you, fuck this show. Anything but the wallet I would believe, but if a person can't find his or her wallet, that's it for him or her until he or she finds his or her wallet again. It's worse than losing your keys. Is this whole fucking thing written by scurvy-ridden albinos kept in an attic by the estate of V.C. Andrews? Live a little. Kristen's soul and big honking brain take over Emily's lovely body and she's all, "Is that your way of saying you want to come back?" You mean like he has been for weeks? Whatever. But Eric is used to girls and their smarts and their explaining himself to himself so he's all absent-minded and "Heh, sort of. Yeah. Anyway, we read this script that we love." I think one of the writers may have had a girlfriend like this who went all Psych 101 on his ass, and he knew she was smart so now he thinks that smart girls are like that, and so the two girls that Eric (who we're pretending is the smart one) dates have to do this in every episode. Emily schedules a lunch date with Ari, bumping Anthony Le-POG-lia, who I guess is the Drama to better-known Anthony LaPaglia, but since this show never uses directors, it's not Emily's fault. Though someone should tell her she's saying it wrong because he might get mad next time he calls Ari. Turtle and Drama watch him on the phone and call him a pussy and a faggot for some reason and then they make out with each other.

At some horrible vegan restaurant it's Eric, Vince, Ari -- and Fiona, of course. Ari agonizes over the horrible vegan menu and then chooses the "faux mung-bean meatloaf." Which is what exactly? Is it made from faux mung-beans? Is there some kind of free-trade mung bean abuse going on that I don't know about? But anyway I guess everybody else ordered while we were watching Turtle and Drama make out because the waitress takes off and then Ari starts yelling about "what the fuck are we doing here I'm on Atkins I need protein before I go to Tae-Bo and buy a pashmina and the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album Fever To Tell which just came out today and I was thinking maybe I'd check out these boys in Coldplay because I hear they're good." Fiona tells him there is protein in mung beans, and he clarifies that he wants Man Protein. Did some Muslim terrorists drop a gay bomb on Los Angeles? I'm serious this time. Not some joke about my hilarious internalized homophobia. I feel like I'm getting gaslighted. Forced to clarify once again, Ari says he wants protein "from the flesh of slaughtered animals," and he means Eric, specifically slaughtered Eric. Only sometimes when he's talking to the lips, it seems like he wants any old kind of man protein from Eric. But I'm sure that's the lips' fault. Fiona asks Ari if he's ever seen "a video of a slaughterhouse" because vegans throw great parties and Vince goes fnur fnur fnur "meat is murder" and it reminds me of this time in college when my girl Alison was hanging out with her father's colleagues in Britain and she was like, "But so does Morrissey know? Like, does he get the joke? Because I love him and his music but I wonder if he knows that it's also funny?" And they were like, "Whatever do you mean, Yankee Girl?" And she was like, "Well, like Meat is Murder. I mean, 'savor the flavor...of murder'? Does he get that that's..." And the Brits were like, "Yes, he is quite political," and she decided to just drop it.

Ari and Eric team up in a manly Atkins-ketosis way to yell at Vince for having Fiona read the script for Queens Boulevard. Just for the record, the movies of Vince are called Head On and Queens Boulevard. I think HBO is having a laugh at our expense, that's what I think. Ari says it's fine as long as Fiona doesn't mind that the script isn't "printed on recycled paper." Heh, I guess, but weakly and under my breath. Ari turns the hate to Eric and asks if the big words were so overwhelming that he had to pass it on to this girl. Vince laughs as Ari and Eric argue over who did and did not know about the script. Fiona shuffles Vince away from this negative energy to bitch him out in private, or in front of his fans, or whatever. Ari tells Eric that the first rule of being a manager is to "control the star's fucking girlfriend." Because "Yoko Ono? Is macro-psychotic." And that's the still the best line of this whole series so far. Meanwhile Fiona is telling Vince that Ari is bad news, a karmic disaster -- not as funny, so you lose, Fiona -- so she's going to wait outside. He kisses her and says five minutes -- even though they just ordered, whatever whatever, doesn't matter, this show is dumb. Some little tiny girls take a picture with him.

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