Simple Life
Green Acres

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Green Acres

Paris and Nicole (who aren't in this for the attention, really) arrive via helicopter. The chopper even has a pink sign attached, with their names on it. I'm guessing that's so that when they arrived at the heliport, they knew which helicopter to get into. That's assuming that they know how to read, which might be a bad assumption to make. Paris's aunt says that "it's very like Paris to make an entrance," and claims she knows this because she's Paris's aunt. Dude, I'm not related to Paris in any way, and I could have told you that she likes to make an entrance. Eighty-five percent of North America could have told you that. Paris and Nicole dehelicopter (what? It's like deplaning), and their short skirts get blown up a bit. Paris's underwear is revealed, and I think she was wearing boxer shorts. Or at least men's briefs. Wuh? I'm so out of the loop on fashion trends. I know Juicy workout clothes are over, but I only know that because the Olson twins said so in the Young Hollywood issue of Vanity Fair. And I know trucker hats are also over, because I have eyes and I'm sick of them. In fact, I never much liked them in the first place. But when the contestants on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge are wearing them, you know the trend has died. Or needs to. Anyway, some dude asks Paris why she's doing this, and she says it will make her appreciate her life at the mansion, but agrees that she might ruin her manicure. Tinkerbell runs across the lawn. I imagine that Tinkerbell is actually a really butch lesbian dog at heart, and is secretly pissed that Paris dresses her up in foofy clothes all the time, and is planning to either run away, or kill Paris the next time she passes out in an alcoholic coma. Someone asks Paris what she will miss the most, and she says she'll miss her cell phone. Paris's aunt tries to grab some more camera time by agreeing with Paris. See? She's spoiled too! Can she have a reality show now?

Rick Hilton, father to Paris, makes like Mr. Roarke and tells the assembled guests, "Welcome to Fantasy Island." I'm not sure why that's funny, but everyone laughs. Is he saying that his house makes people's dreams come true, but in a somewhat freaky way, and then people realize that they didn't really want their dreams after all, and that Mr. Roarke may in fact be the devil in a white pimp suit? Because that's the message I took away. Rick says that he and his wife Kathy (who is never mentioned without the qualifying "former child star," and you know how mentally healthy most of those kids grow up to be) aren't sure about Paris's adventure, but they will cheer her on. Paris thanks everyone and tells them that she loves them. Yeah, I've heard that she loves all of them, if you know what I mean. Kathy offers up a toast, and everyone goes, "Woo!"

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Simple Life

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