Simple Life
Super Sonic

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Super Sonic

We open on a...well, I guess it's a bar. It's what people in small towns and rural areas consider bars, in my experience, which means that it's a giant warehouse-like space with cement floors, and maybe a few booths strewn about. They usually have karaoke on Thursday nights featuring someone like Karaoke Joe, who is a real hit with the ladies. And then on Friday nights, they have half off domestic bottled beers, and a happy hour that features any food the bar manager could find in the bulk frozen food section, like potato wedges, or pizza bagel bites. Not that I've been to such places. Much. Anyway, this particular establishment is called Hog Calls Sports Bar Grill & Dance Club. It's multipurpose! The sign underneath claims that this place is "proudly rockin [sic] the Ft. Smith area." Do you think they meant to leave the "g" off "rocking," or do you think they ran out of letters?

Inside the club, it's Day Seven. Is that a time travel club? Because at the end of the last episode, it was still only Day Two. Maybe the sign out front should read, "Enter these doors and travel four or possibly five days into the future!" Paris and Nicole are dancing it up inside the club, surrounded by Arkansas chipsters. Not Waylon says that Paris and Nicole are rewarding themselves with "a little wild life." Paris shimmies around and rubs her hands all over her own ass, pulling up her dress and "accidentally" mooning the crowd of boys assembled nearby. She is a freak. Is that really sexy? She looks like she's having spasms. Nicole and Paris dance with various guys. Paris leaps into one guy's arms. Nicole starts making out with another one. Paris tells the cameraman that Nicole makes out with everybody, and Nicole turns and drunkenly slurs, "I'm a horny little bitch." Heh.

The picture freezes, and Not Waylon says that, just a short while ago, the two girls were bored to tears. We rewind to forty-eight hours ago. Which would have been...Day Five? So what happened to Days Three and Four? Did the girls get busted for sneaking out of the house? How can they set something like that up and then never follow through? Paris and Nicole walk into the community room at a church and introduce themselves to the women inside. Most of these women are grandma types, it seems, and they're having a quilting circle. Instead of being excited about being introduced to a piece of American and feminist history, the girls can barely keep from yawning. One woman asks if either of the girls brought a thimble, and I'm surprised that they know what a thimble is, although I suppose that they played Monopoly as children, so that might explain it. The women show off their quilts, which are beautiful and would probably fetch a lot of money at a craft fair, or so I've heard. Various women try to instruct Paris and Nicole as to how to stitch the squares, and the girls really could not be less interested. Nicole asks whether the women get bored of making squares, and suggests that they make it "a little edgier." That's what crazy quilts are for! Nicole adds that they could add "cigarette burns" to the quilt. Some of the women laugh and say that they don't think the people buying their quilts would like that. Nicole thinks that they could put paint on the quilt, like graffiti, and Paris agrees. The women don't seem to like that suggestion very much.

Nicole says she gets that the women are traditional, and then sighs with exasperation. She sits there for a moment, and then falls out of her chair onto the floor and cries, "They're squares, you guys! They're quilts! Make it fun! Make it exciting!" Paris adds that it's boring to talk about quilts. Nicole asks if the quilters gossip about boys, and whether they have any hot sons. One woman says that they have hot grandsons. Nicole wishes she had met that lady the first day they were there. Nicole and Paris stand up to leave. Nicole commands the women, "Tell your grandsons we're in town! We're single, and we're here for five weeks." Paris adds, "And we're bored. We're very bored." Nicole caps their parting words off: "And horny." Well, after they came in and made fun of the women's hobby, and were completely disrespectful, I can't imagine why the women aren't jumping at the chance to hook up their grandsons.

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Simple Life




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