The Simple Life Reunion
Fancy music plays as some on-screen text informs us that we are at the Hilton Mansion in California. A butler carries a silver tray down a long hallway. Paris sleeps in a bed, Tinkerbell by her side. Well, not so much "by her side" as "on her head," which furthers my thinking that Tinkerbell is really a cat in disguise. A tinkling noise indicates that the next sequence is Paris's dream. She dreams about being back in Altus, with lots of cows and jobs and parental figures. The butler knocks on Paris's door and brings in a breakfast tray. He informs Paris that her plane leaves for the Simple Life reunion in three hours. Paris screams. Was that supposed to be funny? Because I think it would have been funnier if they had showed the Ledings finally getting a good night's sleep now that Paris and Nicole have left. Albert and Janet could be sleeping. Curly could be sleeping. Braxton could be sleeping. Even the cows could be sleeping.
A studio audience claps and cheers in Fort Smith, Arkansas. Not Waylon introduces Leeza Gibbons. Seriously? How low-rent is this show, anyway? Don't answer that. Leeza bounds onto the stage wearing an outfit that's about twenty years too young for her. She promises that they are going to answer all the questions we have about the show. Really? Because my questions are like, "Why is this show still on?" and "Can I smack Paris and/or Nicole now?"
Leeza asks the crowd how long the girls have been out of Arkansas, like she doesn't know. What is this, the Socratic method of hosting? Leeza answers her own question and says that it's been nine months. She asks if the townspeople miss Paris and Nicole, and they totally plug in a clip of the audience cheering from some other time. Leeza does a lame Poltergeist style, "They're baaaaaack!" More clapping.
But first, Leeza introduces the Leding family. Curly and Richard get a lot of cheers. Leeza tells Curly that she has good hair tonight. Janet, Albert, Braxton, Justin, and Cayne follow. The crowd really does seem to be cheering for the family. The Ledings take a seat on some hay bales set up on stage. Who knew the set of Hee Haw was still around? Leeza says that America has fallen in love with the Ledings, and that they seem like good and nice people. So Leeza wants to know what they were thinking letting Paris and Nicole live with them for a month. Are they trying to pretend Paris and Nicole are lovable or not? Because they can't have it both ways. Janet says they didn't really think it through. Leeza asks if Albert would do it over again, knowing what he knows now. Albert chuckles and says that he might think it over a little longer, but that he'd still probably do it. Leeza says she doesn't need to ask the boys what they think, because they are obviously quivering piles of hormones who think with their dicks. She doesn't use those words, exactly, but that's the sentiment. Leeza presses the issue by saying that most guys would kill to be in the Leding boys' shoes. Cayne says that the girls were annoying. Leeza assumes that must mean they took too much time in the bathroom, like, way to perpetuate those stereotypes, Leeza. Although in this case, Paris and Nicole are stereotypical. Leeza tells Justin that he can't say he found the girls annoying, because she saw his reactions. Leeza looks to the audience for support. Justin says, "It was better than having two ugly girls live with us." The audience laughs and Leeza needs to tone it down with her enthusiasm. Leeza claims that Paris and Nicole can't hear them, so the Ledings can say anything they want. Yeah, except it's being RECORDED for NATIONAL BROADCAST! Duh. Albert says that the girls know how he feels, good and bad. Leeza agrees that Albert didn't hold much back.