At Livia's, Tony eats, and compliments, a plate of Virginia ham. Livia, arranged on the couch like a corpse in a casket -- by design, I suspect -- tells him to get more. When he declines, she crabs that "you never let me feed you." Tony ignores this and sits back, saying, "So getting back to what we were talking about." Livia starts up from the sofa, hair a-snarl, and says, "You want that lamp?" "Ma, lie down," he tells her, but she's insistent, reminding him that "that's real ormolu" and saying he should take the Barcalounger as well: "Somebody's gotta take this stuff before I die." She goes on in this vein for a while; Tony examines his tie and waits for her to blow herself out before telling her that she's not going to die and nobody's going to cart her stuff off to the dump the way she keeps saying, "but you've got to start planning for your future." He tries what Melfi said about rewarding chapters out on her.
Livia, not hearing him, asks, "You know my good jewelry?" Tony smiles, "The stuff that Dad gave you? Yeah, some of those pieces came right out of Cartier's window, huh?" He goes on to say that "Carm doesn't want 'em, not now" -- what they both want is for Livia to live a long life and wear the jewelry to her grandchildrens' graduations, blah blah blah peptalkcakes. Livia says smugly that she gave all the jewelry to Tony's cousin Josephine. Abrupt change of tone by Tony: "What the fuck, the good jewelry?" "She always admired it -- they don't have much money," Livia sighs all disingenuously. Tony yells at her for giving some cousin Cartier dinner rings and giving him a vibrating chair, and Livia sniffs that Carmela never showed any interest in her jewelry and never complimented her on any of it. Damn, she's petty. And I know from petty. Tony gets up, furious, and tells her that before she does anymore damage to herself, "or to [her] grandchildren's inheritance," she's going to stop living alone "right now." "I'm not going to that nursing home," Livia says haughtily, and Tony hollers that it's not a nursing home, it's -- all together, now -- a retirement community, and he parrots Melfi's "hotel at Cap d'Antibes" line, and Livia predictably asks, "Who's he?" Tony bellows that he's a captain who owns luxury hotels or something, "that's not the point," and adds that he talked to the director of Green Grove, and she has a corner suite with a woods view available, but it'll go fast. "Of course it's available, somebody died," Livia snarks, and Tony, close to tears, yells at her to stop with the "black poison cloud all the time, 'cause I can't take it anymore!" "Oh, poor you!" Livia sneers at the top of her voice. Tony sits down and sneers back that he's got problems at work, he's got problems at home, his friend has cancer, and most people "would be grateful if their yuppie children put as much thought into this" as he has. "I'm not going to that place," Livia grunts angrily. Tony says he can go to court, get power of attorney, and "place" her there. "Kill me now!" Livia wails, and tells him to get the carving knife out of the ham and stab her in the heart, because it would hurt her less than what he just said. As she lies on the couch, patting her heart and choking out a series of operatically dry sobs, Tony leaps up again and shouts yet another Melfi line about knowing inspired seniors. Livia keeps it up with the crocodile tears as Tony paces around, rubbing his eyes.