AJ protests that he was just trying to tell Carmela his side of the story, which is a blatant lie, but Tony asks to hear his explanation anyway. AJ then claims that he couldn't find a cab, but no one is falling for that one. "Look at your face!" shouts Tony. "If you've got some kind of sexual proclivity with that teacher or whatever, now's the time to tell us! I mean, what went on up there? Poppers and weird sex?" Hee! But who the hell says "poppers" anymore? AJ insists that he only had a few beers, and that they made him sick. Tony falls for that one hook, line, and gravity bong, and even starts to defend AJ a bit. "He should be grounded, yeah," he says, "but it's not the end of the world." Which, while true in the strictest of senses, is nevertheless incredibly horrible parenting. Carmela seems to get that, because she gives up completely and announces that AJ might as well go live with Tony. AJ loves that idea, but you can actually see Tony recoil in horror at the very thought.
He then sends AJ out to finish with the garbage, and sits down beside Carmela on the sofa. "Okay, what are we going to do, really?" he asks. Carmela insists she's serious. "No, I mean really," repeats Tony. Heh. He tells her that AJ is just doing "normal teenage shit," and reminds her about how the two of them ran off from some school dance and left Artie alone in the snow, where he almost got frostbite. You know, I've always said that I really want an episode with young Tony and young Carmela, and if they ever do it, that scene absolutely MUST be in it. That'd be, like, the best prom ever, right there. Carmela keeps right on blaming herself for everything, saying that Tony doesn't know what it's like to have a son who hates his guts. "It's my fault," she repeats. "My pathetic need to compete with you clouded my judgment, or I never would have let him stay over in New York. I knew he wasn't ready." Then she adds that she can't play the villain anymore, and insists that Tony take AJ home right away.
Cut to Jackie Gleason, looking frightened and muttering his trademark "Humina humina humina." Heh. Over at Livia's place, Tony, AJ, and Artie are eating pizza and watching The Honeymooners. Oy. Because Tony and Artie in one house weren't bad enough, now they've got to add AJ as well?