Another Toothpick

Episode Report Card
Aaron: C+ | Grade It Now!
Requiem For A Gladiator

Ever notice how every now and then I'll suddenly start a paragraph in the middle of a recap with a sentence that has absolutely nothing to do with what's going on in the show? You know, like that one? Well, I now understand how distracting and confusing that sort of thing can be, because this next scene features a bunch of people we don't know doing stuff that I didn't really care about on a street we've never even seen before. Although, I did like the golf club thing. I'm a sucker for quality stuntwork. Anyway, Random Guys A and B pull up in front of a restaurant somewhere. Random Guy A (older, fatter, and possessing a set of hair-plugs that, well, more on them later) sends Random Guy B (younger, hairier, and (if possible) dumber) in to get breakfast. Meanwhile, a couple is fighting in a Ford Mustang parked nearby, and I mention the brand of car only because it's important later on. Blah blah bitchcakes, and then the girl hops out and comes over to Random Guy A, who's standing peacefully by his truck. We get our first good look at her, and I'm sure there's a Hookers On The Point 3: This Time They Still Have Teeth joke in there somewhere, but I just don't have the energy to look for it right now. I need a nap. She begs him for a ride, but he's "on a job in Teaneck," so he can't help her out. In spite of this, the boyfriend hops out of the car and starts screaming at Random Guy A. There's much shouting and bickering back and forth, and then the boyfriend grabs a golf club out of his car and (literally, I guess) tees off on Random Guy A. Like I said, I'm a sucker for good stuntwork, and that looked damn painful. Not as painful as the Randy Johnson pigeon-seeking pitch, but painful nonetheless. Random Guy B emerges from the restaurant and stares in slack-jawed shock at the scene. The boyfriend three-putts on Random Guy A's head, and I think he needs to work on his follow-through. We get a close-up of Random Guy A's bloody forehead, and I finally realize what his hair plugs remind me of: Bar Mitzvah trees. See, they plant these forests in Israel with trees donated by Americans as Bar Mitzvah gifts for their kids. Except the forests are laid out in a perfect grid, and surrounded by vast stretches of arid desert. And that's what this guy's head looked like. That's also why I've been having nightmares about my Torah portion lately. It's been a really long week. Anyway, Boyfriend and his Hooker With A Crown Of Gold hop back into their possibly product-placed Mustang and drive away.

At the hospital, the Aprile crew is gathered around Random Guy A, who's comatose and sporting a massive head bandage. In case you were curious, the Aprile crew consists of Gigi, Joey Pants, Wide Guy, and Thin Guy. Thin Guy is wearing a sweater I once owned and loved. In 1987. Tony and Paulie enter, and the mandatory manly hugs are exchanged. Wide Guy bemoans the fact that Random Guy A is a vegetable on life support, but Pants cracks that they "should look on the bright side. He was not smart to begin with." Another bright side is that this guy might actually benefit from someone pulling the plug(s). When Tony notices that Jackie Jr. is there as well, he orders him out of the room. Out of humble respect for David Chase, and as a sign that I still remain unable to conjure a suitable nickname for this guy, I'll be referring to Jackie Jr. as "Little Lord Fuckpants" for the remainder of the recap. Which, considering his screen time this week, I should probably amend to "for the remainder of the next three words." Little Lord Fuckpants refuses to leave until Paulie comes over and suggests that he visit the "ear-nose-and-throat department" to get his hearing checked. Such is my love for Paulie that the mere utterance of the phrase "ear-nose-and-throat" was enough to make me giggle. Tony takes charge and tries to find out who's responsible. Pants continues with the wisecracks until Gigi reminds him that "we're trying to have a meeting here." If this were my real job, I'd so get stuck taking the minutes. Then I look down at my notepad and VCR remote and realize that I'm stuck taking minutes here, too. Joey Pants makes a Lee Iacocca joke, and since I think we all already know how funny those can be, I'll just move on. Pants explains that Mustang Sally, our Tiger Woods wannabe, has some anger management issues. Apparently he threw a hot-dog vendor off the second level of the Meadowlands because there were "too many fucking onions or some shit." I really don't want to swear this much, people, but all the good lines have profanity it them. Oh, please. Who am I fucking kidding? Adding the word "fuck" makes things fucking funny, and we all know it. ["It's the 'k.'" -- Sars] Gigi agrees to resolve the Mustang Sally situation with "extreme prejudice." He's gonna sic Nick Nolte on him? I hope not, because Nick Nolte never makes things funny. Tony and Paulie leave, and Wide Guy instantly rips open the box of candy and everyone digs in. Even the Svelte Silent Sweater Guy gets a piece.

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