Army Of One

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 1 USERS: A+
Army Of One

Jaromir Jagr: Hey, baby. How you doing? I look good in a uniform too, you know.
Madonna: As if. I learned my lesson with Rodman, thank you very much.
God: What about me?
Madonna: Oh, I think just the once was enough.

Cut to Tony, in Melfi's office. "My son has panic attacks," he tells her, and adds that the pediatrician nixed the military school idea. "He's got that putrid, rotten fucking Soprano gene." Melfi tries to console him by describing it as a "slight tic in his fight-or-flight response. It doesn't brand him as anything." Tony gets philosophical and starts telling a story about his great-great-great-grandfather, who used to haul olive oil over the mountains of Italy on his mule. One day he drove right off the road, presumably to his death, and now Tony wonders if it might have been a panic attack. "It comes down through the ages," he sighs. "When you blame your genes, you're really blaming yourself," Melfi tells him, "and that's what we should be talking about." Tony, on the other hand, just wants to blame the school. He gripes about not having been told when AJ passed out at football practice back in "Fortunate Son." "I'm not a litigigigous [sic] person, or whatever the fuck. I prefer to resolve things directly. But this time, I'm gonna sue." "Well, that is your right," replies Melfi, making it pretty clear what she thinks of that little plan. Tony closes his eyes and sniffles a bit, but when Melfi offers him a box of Kleenex, he just shakes his head and says, "You don't understand…we can't send him to that place. How are we going to save this kid?"

Cut to a close-up on the one he couldn't save: Jackie Jr.'s coffin. I'd stick with the Little Lord thing, but I just can't bring myself to speak ill of the dead. Plus it's more typing and this is already the longest. Recap. Ever. I'm shooting for twenty pages, folks. As a collection of random pallbearers carries the casket to the gravesite, we see all the family members emerging from their limousines. Suddenly, we cut to Paulie sprinting through the cemetery. For a moment, I thought Drunk Guy might be chasing him and we were finally going to get a little action. But then we cut to a couple of local law-enforcement types putting the cuffs on Christopher and Silvio. Interesting bit of trivia: Silvio's middle name is "Manford." He also gives them a little lip about needing a big gambling bust every year for the Super Bowl, but they all end up going quietly. For some reason, Tony seems to be the only one exempt from arrest. Maybe Cop Roc got him a "get out of jail free card" or something. Everyone gathers around the grave, and there's a wide shot that shows highway overpasses and train tracks surrounding the cemetery on all sides. It's in stark contrast to the opulence of Livia's ceremony from the premiere. Junior and Bobby are the next to arrive, with Junior chewing him out for making them late. But when Bobby spots Silvio being led away by the cops, Junior immediately bolts back to the car and squeals away. Bobby is left to chase after him on foot, screaming, "Junior! Don't leave me!" I will never, EVER be able to do his delivery justice on that line. I mean, what can I say? I'm in awe of him. Tony, however, just shakes his head in dismay at their antics. Back at the gravesite, the priest intones the funeral service, but Rosalie can't handle the grief anymore and starts screaming and wailing. Or maybe the Valium just wore off. Tony and AJ make eye contact, and the unspoken message that this could easily have been him passes between them.

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