Army Of One

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 1 USERS: A+
Army Of One

Maison de Soprano. In a (perhaps) vain attempt to make up for the lack of whiz-bang action in this week's finale, David Chase has obviously opted to front-load with shout-outs and robe shots. This week's StR = 147, which is the season's third best overall. Tony and Carmela are hanging out at the breakfast table, and Tony is relating a long story from the sports page about a young athlete who basically turns out to be Len Bias. This reminds Carmela of the grief Rosalie must be experiencing, as the Little Lord had her convinced he was "just smoking a little marijuana, making Cs in school" (and God knows, we've all been there), but now everyone seems to believe that he's some kind of hard-core drug dealer. She waxes philosophical about the perils of parenthood, but then reassures Tony that "[he] tried, with that boy." Tony doesn't look so sure.

Jaromir Jagr: Sorry I'm late, I had a rough week. What did I miss?
Santa Claus: Me dropping off Paulie's new car, apparently.
David Chase: Hey, there's no need to get snippy. You know I'm just a good ol' boy, never meaning no harm. And after all, this show still beats all you never saw. I mean, these guys have been in trouble with the law since the day they were born.
Aaron Sorkin: Ain't that the truth. Hey, you think the Little Lord's got any 'shrooms?
Madonna: Oooh! Count me in if he does.
Michael Imperioli: Yo, can I get a little quiet over here, please? Some us are still waiting to find out if we're getting whacked or not.
John F. Kennedy: Don't worry, it's actually not as bad as you'd think.

At a Frank Lloyd Wright-esque diner somewhere, Paulie, Silvio, and Joey Pants are concluding their bi-weekly captain's staff meeting. Paulie is upset that he hasn't gotten his take from a safe-cracking job he tipped Joey to, but Pants basically blows him off with a bad accountant joke. "Kind of in arrears in the respect department, though, aren't you?" asks Paulie, and Silvio rubs it in even further by reminding Joey that his future stepson "pissed on his leg" when he took down the card game. If nothing else, season three will forever be remembered as the Era Of Incontinence. Joey promises to "give that little fuck[pants] an ah matz' he’ll never forget. As soon as we can locate him." Silvio scoffs at that notion, as well as the Little Lord's feelings of safety, by immediately pointing out the kid is hiding in a housing project. Joey just changes the subject right back to the money he supposedly owes Paulie, and they bicker about it some more until Pants's cell phone rings. We get a quick cut to show us that it's Wide Guy calling from a parking lot somewhere, but Joey, ever the smooth operator, claims that it's Tony and gets up to take the call. Hey, Wide Guy's name is Vito. Thanks for pointing that out with forty-five minutes left in the season. Joey tries to keep his end of the conversation sounding businesslike while Wide Guy just rambles on about what he can see from the parking lot, including "a rabbit or a squirrel or something. I don't what it is. Maybe a possum? Also, there's a woman who wants to sell my monkey." Okay, not so much that last part, but if there ever were a Sopranos character that would have a monkey, Wide Guy would be it. Joey finally ends the call, claiming that "Tony needs [him]" and they can resolve the money problem another time. Paulie is not pleased.

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