Army Of One

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 1 USERS: A+
Army Of One

Cut to yet another board game the Little Lord sucks at. This time he's playing chess with Nina, and she has to chew him out for trying to move his pawn too many spaces in one move. Her dad comes over and sits down to check out the board. "I think you're done for," he tells the Poo Ass. "Look at the way she's developing her knights." After studying the board himself for a minute, Jackie angrily knocks the pieces over, which prompts Nina to gloat that she's won yet again. "You should have played that out," suggests Dad in the last meta-comment the Little Lord will ever have to hear. "That's the only way you're going to learn." A frustrated Fuckpants gets up to go for a walk, and after some quick teasing with the undeniably cute little kid, he heads outside.

Out on the street, he strides along oblivious to the looming approach of Wide Guy behind him. Maybe they intentionally skipped the sound effects in the first scene to help us suspend our disbelief here that there's any way Wide Guy could sneak up on anyone unawares (in a housing project, no less). He delivers a single bullet to the back of the head, and Jackie collapses into a snow-bank that's not only already stained red with blood before he even lands, but in fact wasn't even there when they showed a wide shot. See, that's the problem with these slow-moving, contemplative episodes. I tend to notice the embarrassing little details that are always there, but usually not worth mentioning. Although I guess we probably should just take a moment here to stop and commemorate Little Lord "That Poor Ass" Fuckpants and all the great moments he's so selflessly given us. "I really want to go into men's fashion." "'Ass' -- as in how about givin' me some?" and, of course, the iconic (and shockingly not even nominated in HBO's utterly bogus best line competition): "What, the life is good enough for me, but not Little Lord Fuckpants?" Let's also take a moment of silence for Sars and the grief she's endured at seeing my usage of the admittedly funny word fuck (in all its sartorial splendor) soar to heights heretofore unseen on this previously family-friendly website. I guess this is probably why they never let me near the broadcast networks, huh? I mean, you'll never see Demian slumming on the Sci-Fi Channel. Anyway, proshai, Little Lord. We'll miss you. Sort of.

At the Aprile Abode, Rosalie is on the phone with Joey Pants. There's some back-and-forth about the transmission on her car, and how much it's going to cost to fix it, and Joey is adamant that she not spend the money until his guy looks the car over. Then Wide Guy comes in behind him and silently confirms that the deed is done. Joey sighs, and turns back to the phone. "Forget it. I don't care. Let him do it," he says, like, thanks for letting her get her own car fixed now that you've just murdered her son. As further evidence (as if we needed anymore) that Pants is a serious sociopath, he decides that this would be the best time to brush his teeth, and he grabs a tube of Crest out his drawer before heading to the bathroom. Okay, so THAT was definitely the weirdest product placement of the season.

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