Big Girls Don't Cry

Episode Report Card
Miss Parker: B- | Grade It Now!
Out of the woods

Tony and Furio in the substitute-mobile outside Bahama Skies. "It's not just Dominic," a.k.a. Ugly Sam Shepard, "that's the problem, it's the wife too," Furio chants, and Tony hands him a baseball bat. This is going to get ugly, I can tell. I'm perceptive like that. They're "having coffee," if you know what I mean (nudge, nudge). Furio sweeps into the whorehouse, smashing everything and everybody, shooting his gun, and dragging Rosie, a.k.a. Asian Hoochie, kicking and screaming into the back. Naked people are streaming out of rooms squealing, and Furio beats Dominic with the bat, smashes Rosie's face, and puts a bullet in Dominic's kneecap. Furio venomously speaks Italian the whole time. I only recognized one word he said, and it was putan' -- whore. He spits on her and takes the money lying on the desk. Meanwhile, Tony's out in the substitute-mobile, smoking a cigar and giggling with glee. His cell phone rings. Melfi! Throughout this whole exchange, we see Melfi wandering around her room with a glass of wine like she's finally scraped up enough nerve to call a boy she likes. It's really strange. She says she has an opening in her schedule tomorrow, should she leave it open for him, hint hint. Tony doesn't bite, however, claiming that he's getting by without it. Lies! He pulls out the wise-old-adage card, "No cure for life," and Melfi responds in her husky, desperate way by telling him to think about it. Tony responds by hanging up on her. Hee. Not good for Tony, but satisfying. Melfi's been such the menopausal schoolgirl this episode and I can't take it.

Christopher and company are acting again. I love acting, but I hate these stupid exercises acting teachers make you do. Thespian Natalie is inflicting one such exercise on them right now. They have to have a conversation using what she calls the "words" A and B. First of all, they're not words; they're letters. Second, who gives a crap? One time I was instructed to roll up a newspaper and poke my scene partners with it. I don't like to talk about it. It's referred to as "the incident." Anyway, Christopher's paired up with Geeky Mitch, and as soon as Mitch utters "A," Christopher starts punching and kicking him. Simmer down, Maccavidi! "This is inappropriate! We do not hit!" contributes Thespian (kindergarten teacher on the side) Natalie as she drops her water bottle and descends upon the bloodied Mitch. Hubbub, hubbub, and Christopher stomps out again.

Back at home, Adriana plays nursemaid to his broken toe. Adriana and her partner in streaking Carrie Bradshaw need to trade the hairstyling tips they get from the dog grooming salon. She tries to figure out what happened, asking if Mitch flipped him off or something. Yes, Adriana. I kick the shit out of everyone who flips me off. Wait, she goes out with Christopher. Sorry, Adriana, I forgot your frame of reference for a minute. Then Adriana deduces that doing the scene from Rebel Without a Cause "brought up some bad feelings" about his father dying so young, and that's why Christopher attacked him. She starts blathering about acting and writing and feelings and stuff. He, of course, denies his daddy issues and calls her a smarty-pants who couldn't possibly know these things from writing down orders in a restaurant. Yikes, that's below the belt. Adriana guilt-trips him with the fact that she hated to see him suffering over his writer's block and couldn't wait to get him the class for his birthday, and goes into the bedroom all huffy and disgusted and sad. Poor Adriana. She's a good woman, even if she does look like a Shih Tzu. Christopher is all "I'm sorry," but that's just not good enough, young man.

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