New Vesuvio. "Big Girls Don't Cry" is playing, which always makes me think of the movie Hairspray, which makes me think of Ricki Lake, which reminds me of Carnie Wilson and how she's lost the weight of an entire other person! Wild. Anyway, Tony's giving Charmaine the "How you doin'?" and she's giving him her "Witchy Woman" hairy eyeball, as usual. She tattles on him to Artie, saying it's the third time this week he's done that. Artie does his impression of a wussy little fraidy cat and tries to make light of it with "you can't turn him down a fourth," while Charmaine rolls her eyes back into her head and sighs hard enough to knock two waiters over. Well, I mean. I know "How you doin'?" is a come-on in these parts, but a) he wasn't serious, b) he could have said "Nice tits, Char," and c) he's Tony Soprano. Knock it off, Mrs. Bucco. Except Paulie makes a "fuck you" gesture at her behind her back, and that's just mean.
Artie is so cute in his chef's outfit, especially with the collar turned up. Too bad he's been whipped by everyone and has no manhood left to speak of. He serves Tony, Paulie, and Silvio some scrumptious (as always) looking plates as Tony complains that he took too long, he was about to eat the drapes. Well, it sounded like "drakes" to me, so I thought he had some Drake's coffee cakes, and when I don't see them I run to the store for some. Maybe I need a hearing aid. Or better self-control. So Artie gives the boys quail "a la Bucco," and my mouth waters at the name even though I don't believe in eating quail or pheasant. Then my heart sinks as Paulie attempts humor and lands on his ass with, "Can I get AIDS from eating this?" Hearts break around the world, including mine. To which Artie says, "Yes, Paulie, my gay cooks touched everything with their cootie hands and you're going to die from AIDS in about two weeks." Well, he doesn't say that, but he should have. I would have loved to see a few episodes' worth of Paulie's AIDS paranoia and then everyone laughing and pointing at him for his homophobic ignorance, but hey. You can't always get what you want. Artie's remaining cojone shrivels up and dies as he swallows his sensibilities and chuckles graciously at the "joke." Silvio tries his own crack about seeing his quail take a dump on a statue this morning, hardy har har poop jokes. Artie says they should broaden their horizons, and Tony retorts that he should forget this "fancy shit" and get himself a master mozzarella cheese-maker like Furio, a relative from "the other side," meaning Italy. Silvio calls Paulie his own (wink wink) kind of master cheese-maker (gesture gesture) and I say "Ew" and "Hah!" simultaneously, because Paulie got deservedly slammed. Charmaine tells Artie he has to go to the bank, and Tony follows him into the kitchen. Paulie says she should go to the bank, since she'll need to get her broomstick's oil changed, and I begin sticking pins in my Paulie voodoo doll. Artie gives Tony big innocent cow eyes as Tony twists his arm into agreeing to hire Furio as a mozzarella-maker. Tony will pay him; it's to help out with the immigration. "Either do me the favor or not," Tony basically threatens, and throws in some guilt about being there for Artie since third grade. "Does he at least know his ass from his shamozz'?" Artie quips in what sounds suspiciously like Yiddish to me. Ha ha ha. Hee hee hee. Artie's self-respect screams from underneath Tony's heel.