Big Girls Don't Cry

Episode Report Card
Miss Parker: B- | Grade It Now!
Out of the woods

Cut to Lou Costello Memorial. Hee. We used to call a friend of mine in high school "Lou" Costello. I have no idea why. Teenagers are weird. Tony meets Paulie at said memorial, pulling up in what I like to call his "substitute"-mobile. And I don't mean teaching. Wink. I mean he's compensating for something. Wink. Something that needs to be bigger. Get it, get it? I knew that you would. Tony looks chubby in red silk, Paulie ever-so-stylin' in a blue and white tracksuit. Can't get enough of those gold chains and Aqua Velva. Paulie blathers about having coffee, railroads, cutting rails, sweet, whaaat? Doesn't matter. Tony orders him to pick up Furio at the airport. Paulie joke-guesses that he's coming to see the indoor plumbing. Hee. Yuck, but hee. Tony admits that he's making some changes, because he could "do a dime" for jaywalking these days. Paulie gets all adamant and paranoid, thinking he did something wrong. Tony plays into it, tricking him into thinking he's pissed over a box of his Mallomars that Paulie ate. Hee. Make Paulie squirm. Just kidding, Paulie, and Tony informs him of the new hierarchy: Tony, Paulie, and Silvio; then Christopher, Pussy, and Furio. Hugs and kisses as stone Lou Costello looks on.

Melfi's therapy with Elliott, who's played by Peter Bogdanovich. Bracco's hair and glasses are much better this season, by the way. Less round. She keeps squirming in her seat like she has a wicked wedgie or something. It's irritating. Just go get the antifungal cream and be done with it, Jennifer. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Melfi describes a Tony dream she had. Fun with reenactments. It's raining, he's driving, he has a panic attack, reaches for an empty Prozac bottle, crashes into a huge semi, and goes headfirst through the windshield. Her description takes a strange turn as she and Elliott play "Name That Tune"; during the dream, a song from The Wizard of Oz plays. Melfi attempts to sing while bopping up and down and making finger gestures. Sweet Lorraine. She sucks and she knows it.

Melfi and Elliott now play the psychology mumbo-jumbo game as she expresses her guilt over abandoning Tony, and Elliott makes seriously smug lip and eyebrow movements like he's Sherlock Holmes. Somehow figuring out that Tony is The Great and Powerful Oz to Melfi is perceptive. More shifting in her seat as Melfi admits she's gaining weight -- squirm, squirm. She does a lot of open-mouthed tongue and eye-rolling and hair-tossing as Elliott further deconstructs her desire for consequence-free danger. "I'm concerned treating a mobster provides you with some vicarious thrill," he solemnly states. Melfi gets her undies in a bunch again, protesting that she had to go into hiding, then pulls a Tony-esque defensive move and curses at Elliott a lot, calls him a "smug cocksucker," and flounces out. Sheesh. PB and no J raises his bushy bushy eyebrows again, and with good reason.

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