Big Girls Don't Cry

Episode Report Card
Miss Parker: B- | Grade It Now!
Out of the woods

Have you really taken the time to meditate on how enormous Hesh's estate is? It's mondo. It's mongo. It's all those superlative adjectives ending in "-o." How many of them are there, I wonder? Tony is at Hesh's pad. Hesh is wearing his customary silk robe, telling his black bombshell in a two-piece to go get herself a drink. I love that Hesh plays R&B slow jam music. Tony makes up some stupid story about fronting a guy some money, then cuts to the chase with his real reason for visiting. He asks Hesh why, when things are going good for him and his family, is he screaming at his sister all the time and pulling phones out of the wall? Hesh is not particularly helpful, and would obviously rather be doing the nasty with the black bombshell than listening to Tony unburden himself. Tony admits that he used to see a shrink, and talks about his panic attacks and fainting spells. Hesh drops the bomb by telling him that his father, Johnny Boy Soprano, had the same condition. Tony is jazzed to know his old man had anxiety attacks -- maybe it's hereditary! Hesh blabbers on about some New York Times article, MRIs, polyps, and fear center tests. Tony perks up at the latter -- a brain scan to see how adults respond to parents' criticisms. Hmmm. Are you there, Oedipus? Mommie Dearest? Tony tries to tell Hesh about a dream he had about being on the beach fully clothed, but Hesh is not such a good listener. Get thee to Melfi, Tony, please. I don't want to hear anymore about how doctors used Hesh's ass to invent new tests. Ew.

Christopher gets a new scene from Thespian Natalie after whining that he's not a gentleman caller, and she gives him remedial acting advice. His next assignment: Rebel Without a Cause. She doesn't want a James Dean impression. Thespians everywhere cringe after seeing what he did to Joe Pesci.

Ducks. For a minute I think the infamous pool ducks from the first season are back with a vengeance. Then I hear the voice of the Russian goomah, Irina, crooning something to the ducks about peaches. Oh, poor creatures, the closed captioning tells me. However, the closed captioning can't always be trusted. It spelled mozzarella "moozadell" earlier. Anyway, Tony and Irina are on the boat. Tony yells at her for feeding them cheese doodles, offering her his wisdom on what ducks eat, since he had that aforementioned family of mallards in his pool and now he's an ornithologist. She calls him names in Russian; he calls her names in Russian. Next door, a Russian man in an outfit you might dress up in for Halloween if you went as a plaid banana shouts to Irina that that's what she gets for dating an American. She snips back that if she wanted a factory worker she would have stayed in Kazakhstan. Zing. Except instead of that, she's a Mafia mistress. That's much better. Tony overhears, demands to know what was said, and promptly attacks the plaid banana by grabbing him by the testicles. Eep and ouch. Tony asks him if he's got a problem besides his pants. Hee. Nice one. Tony continues to tell him to mind his own business, and the plaid banana's wife or mistress (who looks like Cheri Oteri as Tammy Faye Bakker) looks on in astonishment, but doesn't even put down her beer. She shrieks that she'll call the police over and over. Tony realizes he has to hightail it out of there quick as he sees the plaid banana waddling up the dock to shore, because the cops are looking to bust him for anything. Inside the boat, Irina has flotation devices on her arms and is fixing her make-up. That's not important, but it was a funny image to me. Packing, shoving Irina, clomping away in a big hurry.

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