Madon' -- let it end. Shout-outs to Wing Chun for all of her nifty proofreading, and to LuluBates and miss parker, who will take it from here.
Cemetery. AJ romps around with a pair of dogs, Livia neatens up one of the graves (presumably Johnny's), and Junior looks on. She crabs about the stems of plastic flowers, weeds, and other detritus around the headstone: "It looks like Tobacco Road!" "Nobody gets down here," Junior comments. Livia jerks around and yells at AJ that "those dogs are wild dogs" that'll take his hand off, and to come over and say a Hail Mary for his grandfather. Junior tells her to "lay off, he's a kid," and she whines, "So he should neglect his elders? Just like his father?" She arranges a bouquet on the grave. "Yep. Real scamp," Junior smiles indulgently, but Livia grumps, "My son...the mental patient." Junior reminisces about going down the shore in the summer, and how he taught Tony to body-surf. Aw. My dad taught me to body-surf at the Jersey shore. Well, he showed me how to body-surf, and then he body-surfed while I got dragged along the bottom by the undertow and accidentally ingested part of a seashell. But we still had fun. Anyway, Livia grouches that she raised her son "right," and why does he need to see a psychiatrist -- "to talk about his sex life?" Junior tries to calm her down, saying that he doesn't like it any more than she does, but she's yelling at AJ again to get away from the dogs. AJ, unfazed, comes up and asks her, "Hey Grandma, how come you're not supposed to breathe in a cemetery?" "Who says?" she snaps. "It's a joke, for chrissakes -- say 'why,'" Junior sighs. "'Cause you'll make the dead people jealous," AJ says. Oh, please -- like a thirteen-year-old would still tell jokes that weak, even to his grandmother. Livia doesn't blink. Junior makes a "whatever" face. AJ smiles and runs off.
Soccer game. Shots of the ball whizzing about; cut to a preoccupied Meadow tending goal (if by "preoccupied" we mean "terrified"). Carmela and Tony sit in the stands; Carmela is freaking out and squawking, "Oh my God MEADOW LOOK OUT!" I wipe away the dribble of arterial blood leaking out of my right ear. A shot of Artie and Charmaine Bucco, also cheering; then a shot of Meadow's coach (played by Kevin O'Rourke, another Law & Order staple) hollering from the sidelines. Meadow blocks the shot, and everyone claps and makes relieved noises. Carmela says she didn't think Tony would ever show an interest in girls' soccer. "What do you want from me?" he shrugs. "My only son's a couch potato." Silvio stands up to protest a call by the referee. Chiara, the Buccos' daughter, waves to them from the field, and Artie tells Charmaine that the coach says Chiara will "be one of his stars" next year. Charmaine complains that "the fat kid is such a sneak with that elbow," and Silvio storms down the bleachers to the sidelines, still yelling at the ref; Tony and Artie follow him.
Silvio cheers on his daughter: "Heather Dante! Hundred bucks for a goal!" Heather looks at him like "whuh?" "What is with Ally today?" Artie mutters. "She's sleepwalking out there." A brown-haired girl with her hair in a tucked-in braid wanders lackadaisically around the midfield. Tony snarks that Ally eats over at their house three nights a week, so "I know she's got the energy." Silvio picks a fight with the ref, and the ref orders him off the field, and Silvio curses at him and does the Billy Martin dirt-kicking thing, then stomps off to the accompaniment of booing from the stands and takes a bow. The coach yells at "Red 42" and then bawls, "Ally!" Ally looks over at him fearfully, and he furrows his brow and mouths "come on" at her. She takes off downfield, pulls off a breakaway, shoots, and scores just before the buzzer sounds. Her teammates mob her, and the fathers on the sidelines mob each other, and the coach yells, "Yes!" about twenty times, and Artie calls the coach a "beautiful brilliant genius" and says that if the coach can get Chiara a college scholarship, "I'll blow the guy at midfield." "Oh, you will?" Tony cracks. He asks Artie, "How's cheffing at Dimple's?" Artie says it's great and babbles on about a new chemical brightener they got to perk up the lettuce in the salad bar; Tony leans in and says that his offer is still good if Artie wants to make some money by putting it "out on the street" at two points and splitting the interest. Truthfully, I don't know exactly what he means, but I assume that he's talking about loan-sharking. Artie searches for the right thing to say and comes up with the lie, "I can't do the math, Ton' -- I'm an artiste." Tony sees right through him and smiles, "Get outta here," and then he claps and shouts, "Good job, girls!"