Episode Report Card
Sars: D | 1 USERS: B+

A doorbell ringing in the middle of the night. Hauser yells out, "Who is it?" A voice responds, "I found your dog." Hauser warily opens the door to find Christopher on the stoop, and tells him coldly that the dog is upstairs. "Golden retriever? Blue nylon collar?" Christopher asks. Mrs. Hauser comes to the door and asks who's there. "He has our dog," Hauser says glumly. "Where is Petey?" Mrs. Hauser wonders. Christopher tells Hauser he'd better come get him, adding meaningfully, "You wouldn't want Petey to get hit by a car." Hauser comes out as a worried Mrs. Hauser watches. In the back seat of Christopher's Lexus, Petey barks and whines. Christopher lets him out and asks, "What, no reward?" Hauser looks up quickly, but Christopher monotones, "I'm just kiddin'. I'm an animal lover," and gets in the car. "You okay, boy?" Hauser asks Petey.

At breakfast, Tony tells Meadow she can cheer up about the coach, because "I have a feelin' he's gonna reconsider the big move." "Tony," Carmela warns him. Meadow, in an accusing tone: "Did you do something?" "What could I do?" Tony asks innocently, adding that the coach has to stick around and "finish what he started with the girls, that's all." Meadow flings herself out of the room again. "That's it," Tony grunts, going after her. "Did I tell you?" Carmela yells after him.

Meadow lies morosely on her bed. Tony stomps in and sits beside her: "You need to develop some appreciation, 'cause you got people all around you tryin' to help you and all you do is bitch and moan!" Point Tony. He goes on that he sees the coach trying to "abandon" the team and he sees her friends "getting all worked up" about it, so he tried to help. As Carmela comes in, Meadow sits up and wails, "Is that why you think we're so upset, Dad? Because a coach who most of us can't even stand is leaving?" Tony shouts that she doesn't have to like the coach "to be successful," and he compares the situation to Billy Martin and Catfish Hunter hating each other "until they start to win," blah dee blah; Meadow just stares at him in dismay. When he pauses for breath, she tells him, "Coach Hauser had sex with Ally." Ouch. Point Meadow.

"What?" Carmela breathes. "It's why she cut herself, it's why I've been practically living at her house," Meadow cries. "Now, hold on a minute," Tony says, his hand on Meadow's leg. "Maybe...with Ally?" Meadow nods almost imperceptibly. "Meadow, this is horrible!" Carmela says, approaching the bed. "This is also a very serious accusation -- what exactly did Ally say?" Meadow loses it: "That they had sex! More than once! That she's not a virgin anymore!" Tony says hesitantly that "Ally's a very pretty girl," maybe "there was some confusion," maybe she wanted to appear sophisticated to her friends -- "Dad!" Meadow shouts. "Tony, what if this had been Meadow?" Carmela says, and starts shouting that with "a girl that age," Hauser shouldn't have put himself in any confusing position (so to speak). "I'm losin' my fuckin' mind here," Tony growls. Carmela asks Tony to leave so she can talk to Meadow, and Tony stomps out again, howling, "Jesus fucking Christ!" "God, now what did I do," Meadow sobs, saying that she only told "so he wouldn't make Coach Hauser stay here!" Carmela comforts her that "this is a horrible, horrible thing," but Meadow corrects her: "Mom, she's in love with him, but he won't leave his wife." "'Leave his wife'? Meadow..." Carmela starts, then takes Meadow's head in her hands and asks, "Now, Meadow, he didn't touch you, right?" Meadow emphatically says no, then starts wailing about Deena finding out about her father and having her life ruined, and she begs Carmela to tell Tony "to let [Hauser] go anywhere he wants, okay?" Carmela hugs her tightly.

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