The Buccos' garden. Artie thrashes around in the tomato patch (shout-out?), and Charmaine comes out to rehash the latest in the Hauser scandal: the mother's on sedatives, they can't reach the father because he lives in Europe, Ally thinks the whole thing's her fault, blah blah blah corruption-of-a-minor-cakes. Charmaine winds up by calling Hauser a "lousy bastard" and saying that "he won't get away with this." "You got that right," Artie chuckles, not looking up. Charmaine cocks her head: "What?" Artie asks her to hand him a bottle of pesticide. "Arthur, what?" she nags, passing him the Bug-B-Gone. "Somethin' goin' on, Artie? Your mobster friend gonna do somethin' crazy?" Artie doesn't answer for a moment, then says firmly, "If I had any balls, I would do it myself." Charmaine says a bit more gently that he does have balls, and "that's why you're not like him." "Fuck it. Fuck the world!" Artie shouts, and Charmaine defaults to shrew mode, whining that it's not getting a guy to take his hat off this time, it's shooting Hauser or cutting his balls off "or what!" Artie says that she can't tell him Hauser "doesn't deserve it," and she says that no, she can't, but "listen to you -- think about what you're saying!" Artie asks her to tell him "who's worse -- Tony Soprano, or that child-molestin' fuck? I trusted him. I'd like to rip his heart out of his chest!" Charmaine accuses Artie of only thinking about himself and makes to stomp into the house. "Myself?" Artie repeats, getting up. "Myself? I resent that, Charmaine!" She turns to give him a "whatever" look and keeps on stomping.
Golf club locker room. Junior sleepwalks over to his locker. Mikey, dusting his feet with powder, asks him what's wrong: "What, that bullshit with the sushi?" Junior lies unconvincingly that he doesn't know what Tony meant, that "he babbles"; when Mikey chimes in, "Yeah, what was that?" Junior turns on Mikey: "You're another one!" "Me? Hey, he completely lacks respect!" Mikey whines. Junior sits down and gripes that he's tired of having to make excuses for Tony all the time. "That's right," Mikey smugs. "'Cause he's a fuckin' mental weakling," Junior continues. "I know," Mikey says matter-of-factly, putting on socks.
"You don't know shit, Mikey," Junior tells him, sounding surprised himself, and slams a bag down on the floor before bursting out, "He's seein' a psychiatrist, Mikey -- how about that, huh? My nephew is seeing a psychiatrist. Makes me wanna cry!" Mikey, in a tone of celebratory wonderment: "No shit?" "Indictments bein' prepared, and he's spilling his guts," Junior says, near tears. Mikey, vindictively: "I fucking knew it!" "No you didn't fucking know it -- I just told you!" Junior roars. Mikey for once has the sense not to say anything. Junior bemoans the fact that God knows how much Tony has already said about the family business, and if the place is bugged...Mikey interrupts that "that stuff's not admissible" because of doctor-patient privilege, "like Melvoin," Junior's attorney. Junior disagrees, saying that "Melvoin's a lawyer. At least he's in the ballpark," and what if the doctor "gets scared or something" like the one in the Menendez case did: "The shrink was in the fuckin' witness chair." "Shit," Mikey breathes. Junior gets out an undershirt and snaps, "Anthony wants to play games, okay. I taught him how to play games." Pause. "I taught him how to play baseball." He puts his shirt on. Mikey asks, unable to believe his good fortune, "You talkin' about clipping him?" Junior makes his customary "how dare you question me" face and snits that "nobody would slap my wrist if I did."