Sopranos
Calling All Cars

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
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Dream On

Once again, Vic the Appraiser is being chased by thugs. Only this time, one of them is Wide Guy. Run, Wide Guy, run! Heh. They finally corner him, and demand that he resume working for Tony. "I can't," he huffs. "Johnny and Carmine's guys hurt me!" Wide Guy belts him across the face (God, I love Wide Guy), and reminds him that Tony will hurt him worse. "Now go back inside, get your appraising shit, and start appraising!" he demands. Vic looks totally cowed.

Sars: What do you think, you can hide from me? I've got your W-2, buddy-boy. I know where you live!
Aaron: But…but Glark beat me up! And Wing said that I…
Sars: Who put you on HBO, huh? Who gave you the quality shows?
Aaron: But there's no commercials!
Sars: Oh, cry me a fuckin' river. You wanna trade shows with Daniel? Or how about Deborah?
Aaron: No! Not Sorkin! Anything but that!
Sars: Good. I'm glad we understand each other. Now go get your recapping shit and start recapping.

The mall. Surprisingly, Tony isn't wandering around aimlessly. Not surprisingly, the camera lingers over the Loews Cineplex sign in the background. Bobby and Janice are sharing a post-movie snack, and she passive-aggressives him into a conversation about visiting Karen's grave by pointing out that he has cemetery mud on his shoes. "Mud?" he wonders. "What are you, Marge Heggenbrinder now?" Hee! That's still not the best malapropism of the week, though. That one comes later. I have to say, though, that Bobby's habit of starting every. Single. Sentence. With the word "what" is really beginning to annoy me. Janice starts chewing him out for refusing to let go of Karen's death, and reminds him that his kids are playing with Ouija boards because they see him talking to her headstone. Personally, I think she's sort of got a point here, but then she has to go and ruin it by shrewishly pointing out that Karen is gone and "[she's] still here." "We have a nice evening," she continues, "and we end up talking about your dead wife." Um, aren't you the one that brought it up, Janice? Yeah. I thought so. Bobby shows just enough spine to tell her to "shut the fuck up," and Janice takes that as her cue to storm off.

Maison de Soprano. Tony is in his new screening room, proving just how white-bread he really is by listening to the Clapton version of "I Shot The Sheriff," rather than the clearly superior Bob Marley. And besides, shouldn't that really be Christopher's theme? Anyway, he gets a call from Svetlana on his cell phone, and his face lights up when he hears her voice. She's calling to thank him for the diamond horseshoe brooch he sent her, which is exactly the same as the one he sent to Valentina a few weeks back. But why a horseshoe for Svetlana? With Valentina it made sense, but don't you think a nice diamond hammer and sickle would have been more appropriate? Or maybe a nice TWoP forum banner, to advertise her web site. Personally, I'd have probably commissioned Lladro to make her a porcelain leg or something, which explains why my family is most likely cowering in terror right now at the prospect of the Chanukah presents I just mailed them. Tony insists that she keep the gift, and she makes it clear that she has no intention of giving up the fancy (and highly valuable) diamonds. "What happened between us," she begins. "It was nice." But then it starts going downhill. "These things happen, and then life goes on," she continues. Tony tries to suggest that she call him if she ever wants to get together, but she thanks him one last time and quickly hangs up. Tony looks lost.

Cut to Melfi's office, where she's wearing a skirt that shows even more leg than normal. That's probably significant, considering that they had her in pants earlier in the episode, but it also makes it seem like she knew in advance how this particular session was going to go down, which seems unlikely. Anyway, Tony is claiming that he just broke up with a new mistress, and that he felt really bad about breaking her heart. He says that it was just a brief fling, and that after a while, he felt like he "had to cut off the leg. Not leg, affair. Did I say leg?" Hee! Now that's a Freudian slip. And also probably why Melfi's skirt is so short. He explains about the brooch, and describes it as something he sends to every girl when he's "easing out the door." Well, yeah, but he didn't send one to Irina. Or Gloria. Or the blonde lesbian Icelandic trivia freak, for that matter. Anyway, he thinks for a moment, and then finally comes clean and admits that it was Svetlana who dumped him instead of the other way around. "You know why she didn't want to see me anymore?" he asks. "She said that I was 'high-maintenance.' And this is after all the time, and all the money, and all the fucking Prozac, and all the fucking cocksucking motherfucking dream interpretations. And she said she didn't want to prop me up? And this from a broad who walks around on crutches half the time. Nice, huh?" Whew. You know, I'm not sure why, but I really get a kick out of being the only recapper who routinely gets to transcribe things like "fucking cocksucking motherfucking dream interpretations." It's just fun for me somehow.

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Sopranos

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