Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
No One Is To Blame

Furio: I never liked Columbus. [Spits wad of phlegm]

There's more in that vein, but I think you get the picture. And speaking of picture, director Tim Van Patten continues his habit here of staging close-ups that are just a wee bit too close, but it proves oddly effective in capturing the mood. Silvio finally ends the scene by oh-so-solemnly proclaiming, "I'm gonna take action here." How? By getting Bruce to write a song about it? "Born In The U.S.A. (Before It Was The U.S.A.)," perhaps?

In an early attempt to flash some of those clever writing skills that make him the only member of the cast David Chase deigns to allow into the writer's lounge, Michael Imperioli cuts us from the lazy men-folk just sitting around, to their wives and girlfriends, who are busy working out at the gym. After briefly expositing that everyone will be attending a luncheon seminar at the church the next day entitled "Italian-American Women and Pride," the conversation moves to the exercise bikes and the subject of Furio's "trademark" ponytail. Carmela, of course, loves it, but Adriana reports that "Sandi Fortunado says it looks like a dick coming out of his head." Heh. This from a woman wearing a leopard print tank top with a black lace bra underneath. Does Adriana own anything that isn't leopard print? I'm surprised she hasn't dyed that dog orange and black yet. "And she pretends to be his friend," responds Carmela. "What a two-face." Cut to Adriana, looking suddenly forlorn. For me, that answered any questions there could be about whether or not she's working with the Feds. And while we're clearing stuff up, let me assure you that the person doing stomach crunches in the background is not Gloria Trillo, Uncle Junior, CGI Livia, or any other cast member. They're extras, people. They don't mean anything. That's why they call them "extra."

Yeah. So. Here we are. You know, I've always said that the hardest scene I've ever had to recap was Melfi's rape last year. I mean, I've dealt with plagues, penii, giant alien sandworms, and Kevin Williamson's DVD director's commentary, and I never even blinked. But I. Have. NEVER! Seen anything like this. In fact, I've spent most of the last week just trying to come up with ways to euphemistically avoid talking about what's paused on my TiVo screen right as I type this. I was going to talk about Simchas Torah. I was going to reference that scene in Ferris Bueller's Day Off where Ferris says you could stick a lump of coal up Cameron's ass and get a diamond. Hell, I was even going to do some a cappella singing in honor of this week's special guest editor, Djb. Unfortunately, however, my official TWoP recappers contract specifically states that I have to tell you what happened on the show, even at the risk of great personal injury to my retinas. So here goes: Janice shoves a vibrator up Joey's ass and she calls him her little hoor and pretends to be his Guido the Killer Pimp and it's really really disgusting and then Rosalie calls and Joey's cell phone ring tone is the theme from Rocky and God help me I laughed my own ass off at that and if you've ever laughed while vomiting it's very very painful because puke gets stuck in your nose. Whew. Moving on.

Aaron: Dude! What was that?!?

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