Sopranos
Christopher

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
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No One Is To Blame

Casa de Soprano. Tony comes downstairs to breakfast in his robe (StR = 1,607, for a solid B), to find AJ reading aloud to Carmela from one of his history books. Or at least he's trying to. AJ is apparently barely literate. Why don't I find that hard to believe? The text he's reading quotes Columbus saying that the Indians they discovered in the New World would make good slaves, and could be "subgated" with only fifty men. Carmela is incensed by this, explaining to her husband that "His history teacher…is teaching your son that if Columbus were alive today, he would go on trial for crimes against humanity like Milosevic and, you know, Europe." Bwah! The political-nerd conservative in me is still giggling at that, but I can actually feel Deborah glaring at me from over on The West Wing, so I'll just move on. Tony proceeds to justify the genocide of Native-Americans thusly: "You had to walk in Columbus's shoes to see what he went through. People thought the world was flat, for crying out loud. Then he landed on an island with a bunch of naked savages on it. I mean, that took a lot of guts. You remember when we went to Florida? The heat? And those bugs?" Yep, that's right people. Heat, bugs, and naked savages led us directly to the Trail of Tears. Who knew? "In this house, Christopher Columbus is a hero," proclaims Tony. "End of story." And, end of scene.

Cut to Karen Bacala's funeral, where Bobby is sobbing in the front row. He gets up to kneel beside her casket, and a close-up reveals that Rico could apparently get a lot of work in New Jersey. As he bawls into the casket, the wives sit near the back and gossip amongst themselves. Except for Adriana, that is, who's sitting silently beside them in a low-cut dress, hoping that the wire she's wearing isn't poking out from inside her cleavage. Several minutes of extensive research on my part determines that it isn't, and I finally decide to unpause the TiVo. Mrs. Little Stevie wanders over, and relates an anecdote about a telephone conversation she overheard in which Silvio mocked Bobby for being the only one of the gang without a mistress. Carmela turns to ask who he was talking to, but Mrs. Little Stevie doesn't know. Just for kicks, I'm gonna assume it was Clarence Clemmons. Or maybe Roy Rogers. Anyway, it's not like Carmela didn't already know Tony cheats on her.

Out in the hall, Johnny Sack is signing the guest book when Joey Pants comes over and starts babbling to him about whatever excuse Michael Imperioli came up with to put the two of them in the same scene. Johnny answers him with an insouciant, "Stick it in your ass!" and then warns Tony to "Keep him the hell away from me." Tony immediately turns to Joey and demands to know what he did this time, but Joey swears he has no idea. "And I've got better shit to do," sighs Joey. You mean like Janice? "Something's going on," opines Silvio, and Tony connects the dots with Carmine knowing about his plans for Frelinghuysen Avenue. "Somebody's talking to much," he spits, after cueing the promo department to mark this particular section of tape. "And it's costing me money."

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Sopranos

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