And speaking of things that are confusing and embarrassing, here comes what is undoubtedly the worst directorial choice in the history of this show. And you people thought the unnecessary close-ups of Tony's man-boobs were bad. Our old pal Counselor Wegler is wandering through the halls of his school one evening, when he runs into Carmela, who just so happens to be there for a PTA meeting or something. "You were pretty upset when you left," he observes. "I wanted to call. I began to really rue what happened." I'm sorry, did he say "rue"? Who talks like that? Before he can even finish his sentence, Carmela announces that she's "going back with [her] husband," and immediately turns to walk away. It's been debated in the forums all week whether that was intended as a threat or just a brush-off, and I'm personally inclined to join the "brush-off" camp. I think she just wanted him to believe that she'd successfully moved on. I also think they're trying to lay the groundwork for an eventual reconciliation between her and Tony, but that's just me. In any event, she starts to walk away, and then my fancy new HD DVR breaks down, and the scene drops into slow-motion and then freezes altogether. Oy. Why? Just...why? That serves no artistic purpose, it doesn't illuminate our understanding of Carmela's mental state, it looks like it was edited on a Commodore 64, and it completely and totally yanks you out of the moment. And then they follow it up with an actual wipe to the next scene, and even in the fourth grade I knew better than to try shit like that. Memo to Mike Figgis: You've now made exactly one good movie in about fifteen tries. It's time for you either to start kissing Nic Cage's ass for a sequel, or start considering a career in long-haul trucking or something. In other words, leave Newark now, and don't ever come back.
Once the wedding-video transitions are finally out of the way, we find ourselves down on the farm, where Chris, Diet Tony, and Uncle Pat are spending a relaxing afternoon fishing by the lake. Chris is noticeably drinking Coke in this scene, and they specifically don't cover up the label this time because it's actually a plot point. Uncle Pat congratulates Chris on his sobriety, and then remembers that Christopher's mother has the same problem. That tidbit makes my mind wander while I try to figure out exactly how Mama Moltisanti became a Blundetto like Diet Tony. Or was she a Blundetto before she was a Moltisanti? And if so, how is she related to Tony? Uncle Pat, on the other hand, lets his mind wander in a completely different direction, and it eventually ends up over by some fence posts where he's finally remembered that the Johnson brothers are buried. Wow. Good thing they didn't make a big deal out his forgetting then, right? Continuing to grate on my every last nerve, Figgis ends the scene with a long, slow, pastoral pull-out that does nothing but pad the episode's running time. And it still only managed to clock in at forty-eight minutes. Whatever.