Cold Cuts

Episode Report Card
Aaron: D+ | Grade It Now!
Angry Fat Man

From the noisy frustrations of suburbia, we cut to the peaceful solitude of Uncle Pat's farm. And by "peaceful solitude," I actually mean "mind-numbing boredom." For them and me. Everyone is sitting around playing cards, when suddenly Fat Tony himself arrives to join the party. Uncle Pat and Louise greet him happily, and then Tony settles down to join the boys at the table while Louise goes off to get him some food. He gets a status report on everyone's exhumation progress (Emil is done and the Johnson brothers are scheduled for later that evening), and then he sighs happily and announces that "this is the life." Chris and Diet Tony readily agree, and then DT checks his watch out of boredom. Oh, that rascally Diet Tony. He can never just say what he means, can he?

We next get a surprisingly well-composed shot of Tony, relaxing in a field and smoking a cigar. That one must have been done by the second unit. It's also the shot from the pre-season promos that everyone thought was Tony in Johnny Sack's back yard. Oh, well.

Continuing our fast-forward through the evening, we finally move to the docks, where Fat Tony supervises as Chris and Diet Tony throw the bodies into the lake. This was probably totally unintentional, but I thought it was interesting that Chris and DT were smart enough to sink Emil in pitch-blackness, whereas Tony stands carelessly in the harsh glow of spotlight while his associates dispose of two corpses just a few feet away. Then again, it's not like any eyewitnesses have ever made a difference on this show anyway, so it's probably not even worth thinking about.

"To a job well done," toasts Tony, as the three amigos gather in a restaurant to celebrate. Except wouldn't it be about 3 in the morning right now? They already made a point of saying that they could only start work after dark, and it wasn't even close to sunrise when we saw them ditching the bodies. So what kind of backwoods, farm-country restaurant is open (and serving alcohol, might I add) at this time of night? And, perhaps more importantly, will I ever finally learn to stop trying to decipher the timelines on this show? "Pat seems good," observes Tony. And then, completely oblivious, he goes on to say that "Louise seems fat." This causes no end of barely repressed giggling in Chris and Diet Tony, and I absolutely have to praise Steve Buscemi for his work in this scene, because the double-take he executes upon hearing Tony calling someone else fat is dead-solid perfect. With a sly little nod to Christopher, he repeats the "65% zeppola joke," this time with Louise as the target. This gets Chrissy laughing even harder, and then Tony joins in, because he doesn't sense the irony. More fat jokes follow, sending Christopher into gales of uncontrollable laughter. It's at this point that Tony starts to get a little sensitive, because he can't figure out why Christopher is laughing at a joke that's not really all that funny. "He's drunk," explains Diet Tony, but Fat Tony shoots that idea down by pointing out that Chris is in recovery. "Well if you recover your fucking balls, give us a call," jokes DT. "We might like to hang out." I'm assuming he means he'd like to hang out with Christopher AND the balls, and not just the testicles themselves, because that would be weird. But very Buscemi-esque nevertheless.

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