Cold Cuts

Episode Report Card
Aaron: D+ | Grade It Now!
Angry Fat Man

Diet Tony goes on to make yet another lame twelve-step joke, and Christopher has finally had enough. "Sobriety is hard enough work without having to get mocked for it," he says. And I do kind of see his point. Especially when there are so many other things we could be mocking him for. Like the hair, or the male modeling aspirations, or "Christopher," or the fact that he totally could have reused his famous "dysentery in the ranks" line during Adriana's irritable bowel episode, but didn't. This gets Tony upset, because he can't stand it when other people take things seriously, and he essentially orders Christopher just to down a shot and shut the hell up with "the higher power yammering and the sweets and the key lime pie." What really annoys me about that, however, is that I know I've recapped a scene about key lime pie before, but I can't remember where. It must be one of my shows in Permanent Hiatus, because the search function isn't turning anything up. Except for nine hundred instances of the word "compliment," that is. "I'm sorry," sighs Christopher. "I didn't realize I was being a jerkoff with all that." And then, as he always does, Tony immediately apologizes for crossing the line, and repeatedly tells Christopher that he's doing the right thing. That doesn't stop the teasing, though, because Diet Tony brings up the Humvee, and the "hum job" Christopher must have given the dealer to pay for it. Some witty word-play ensues, and they go from calling Chris "a friend of Bill" to talking about his "bill" as a "beak." Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot to add his nose to the list of things we could be mocking him for. As a fellow super-schnozz, however, I can easily appreciate the fact that nasal humor is the straw that finally deviates Christopher's septum. "You know, that was you he made that joke about," he tells Tony. "The zeppola content." Tony, however, doesn't even bat a lipid-laden eyelash at this revelation, and just rolls right on with the nose jokes. Turning to Diet Tony, Christopher snarks that he could have called him Ichabod Crane, but didn't. That finally (thank God!) manages to shut Diet Tony up, and Fat Tony finally brings the scene to a close by raising a toast to the Johnson brothers, "whoever the fuck they were."

Okay, now I'm even more confused about the timeline, because suddenly they're all back at the farm, where Diet Tony is sleeping while Fat Tony flips through the channels on a TV. Eventually, he settles on a newscast about port security. At first he's all amused by the fact that less than 2% of all containers go through customs, but that giddiness soon turns to alarm when the reporter reveals that terrorists could use shipping containers to smuggle a GPS-equipped nuclear weapon into the country. And while I do think that's exactly the sort of thing that would get stuck in Tony's head like this, I also have to say that I was somehow inexplicably disappointed to see them focusing so heavily on a real-world concern like Al-Qaeda in this episode. I don't know. It's certainly nowhere near as bad as that dumb-ass wipe, but it did pull me out of the story a little, because I'm so used to this show living in its own, isolated world. The most they ever said about 9/11 was one backhanded remark from Carmela, so it just seems weird that Tony would turn into Tom Ridge all of a sudden. But maybe that's just me.

The next morning, Tony comes down to breakfast to find everyone else already up and eating. He immediately starts ranting about what he saw on the news, and he's appalled that no one else seems to share his concerns. In fact, Diet Tony and Christopher actually look embarrassed that he would be discussing this stuff (and swearing about it, to boot) in front of Louise. When Fat Tony admits to having terrible nightmares about smuggled atomic weapons, Diet Tony makes a crack to the effect that it obviously didn't affect his appetite. Despite the fact that he went ballistic over a Jackie Gleason impersonation just a few weeks ago, Tony actually manages to laugh a little at his own expense here. But that's mostly just because this scene is really about Christopher, and the fact that he hates being teased by the two Tonys. So, of course, cue the teasing: "Speaking of scary shit," jokes Diet Tony, "was that you in the bathroom this morning?" "I thought they already dropped the biological weapon," adds Fat Tony. And then Christopher finally throws in the Tony towel, and announces that he's going back home to New Jersey. Fat Tony is surprised by this, but doesn't really try to stop him, so Christopher just says his goodbyes to Uncle Pat and then heads out the door. He does, however, warn him to watch out for the alligators down there in Florida, which gives me a nice excuse to say that my parents live in Florida, and really do have an entire family of alligators living in their back yard. There's Albert, Alice, and Albertina the baby, and one of the funniest things I've ever seen was Albert chasing some moron who was stupid enough to try and walk his dog back there. Yeah, yeah. Totally irrelevant digression. I know.

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