Cold Cuts

Episode Report Card
Aaron: D+ | Grade It Now!
Angry Fat Man

Das Sopranohaus. Carmela tells Rosalie about her encounter with Wegler, and the amount of time it just took you to read that is already longer than the scene itself.

And finally, we wrap things up for the night at Janice's house. She's in the kitchen making dinner when Tony arrives, and he announces that AJ won't be joining them for the evening. Small favors, I suppose. "You lose them to their friends for a little bit," Janice claims, "but he'll be back." Yeah. Remember that when Tony brings up Janice's own son in a moment. Sophia comes into the kitchen and tries to take a soda out of the fridge, but I think we all know there's no way Janice is going to let her get away with that. And she's not even the one who wets the bed. Tony, however, just compliments her for handling the situation without getting angry. That happy feeling doesn't last for long, though, because Janice answers a call from a telemarketer, and insists on being as polite as possible while telling them that she's not interested. Tony just wants her to hang up without any explanation at all, and actually seems sort of peeved that she's not more upset about the intrusion. Because again, he hates it when other people have success. Which is something we already knew long before this episode ever aired.

They move to the dining room, where Tony is obviously the odd man out as the Baccalieri clan chats happily about computers and the quality of Janice's eggplant. That anvil you can see in the corner, incidentally, is the fact that Tony's family never has dinners like this anymore. And after stewing in that realization for a few moments, Tony swings into action. "I wonder where Harpo is eating his Sunday dinner?" he asks. Janice plays dumb, because she can't believe he's discussing this in front of Bobby's kids, and it's finally left to Bobby to explain that Harpo is actually Janice's long-lost son. Bobby Jr. and Sophia are surprised by this news, but it also seems to humanize Janice a bit in their eyes, because it definitely makes them see her in a different light. Tony, on the other hand, just keeps poking away at what he knows is a sore spot. "He's half French-Canadian, Harpo," he snarks, but unlike Bouncer Bob, I learn from my beatings and I'm not about to insult our fine, upstanding neighbors to the north. ["I would hate for anyone to think I would constrain them from mocking Quebec." -- Wing Chun] "I wonder what's French-Canadian for 'I grew up without a mother,'" Tony continues. "'Sacré-bleu! Where is me mama?'" Bwah! I would pay good money to hear James Gandolfini do a French audio-book version of Are You My Mother?. Janice probably wouldn't, though, because she finally snaps and lunges at Tony with a fork in her hand. He jumps out of his seat with a big shit-eating grin on his face, and then walks out of the house feeling satisfied with himself as Janice starts sobbing and screaming about how much she hates her brother. And then the music kicks in, and Tony casually strolls back to his mother's house, and what I am officially calling the worst-ever episode of The Sopranos fades blissfully to black.

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