The Practice-esque whoosh to Tony asking incredulously, "You sure it was them?" Pan over to Carmela grousing, "They were drunk in gym class. Byron Barber vomited all over the teacher." Pan further over, past the bottle of wine on the principal's desk, to AJ protesting that he didn't even drink it, he spat it out. "Anthony," the principal warns him, and Carmela bites off, "On top of this, you're gonna lie to me now?" Tony tells the principal that "[AJ's] very sorry, Father Hagy, and he's gonna be even sorrier when he gets home." Father Hagy suggests that AJ wait outside; AJ glances at Tony, who motions him out with his head, so AJ stomps over to the door and stomps out. Nice attitude, Demi-Lush. Carmela mutters to Tony, "He's suspended for three days." Tony, reaching for his wallet, offers to pay for the wine, but Father Hagy coldly informs him that the theft of the wine "is not just a crime against property -- this is an affront to our holy sacristy." Tony shrugs and puts his wallet away. Heh. Father Hagy says that he's asked Dr. Galani, the school psychologist, to join them, adding that Dr. Galani has "been keeping an eye on Anthony" and talking to his teachers. He gives Dr. G the floor.
Dr. G comes out from behind Father Hagy's chair, sits on the edge of the desk, and tells Tony and Carmela that "in many respects, Anthony is a normal, healthy eighth-grader." Tony looks bored and Carmela horrified as Dr. G opens a folder and says that Sister Patricia, AJ's art teacher, thinks he shows "strong skills in spatial orientation." Wow, talk about damning the kid with faint praise. Dr. G goes on, "The thing is, though -- and it's not just this one incident...Anthony sometimes has trouble following the rules...weighing consequences...at times doesn't think before he acts." Tony nods as though he's heard it before. Dr. G says hesitantly, "And -- it's thought there's a good possibility -- that Anthony could be ADD." Tony and Carmela look blank, so Dr. G clarifies that he means attention deficit disorder. "I knew it!" Carmela exclaims, happy that she has a new martyrdom bone to worry: "I always knew there was something." Dr. G explains that "it's an aggregate of symptoms," including impulsivity, inattention, and sometimes hyperactivity, but they'll need to do a full evaluation on AJ. Tony offers the opinion that all AJ needs "is a whack upside the head," and I have to agree with him in theory, if not in practice -- I don't doubt that ADD exists or anything, but let's distinguish between kids acting up and kids having a genuine disorder. AJ is, what, thirteen? No thirteen-year-old ever got in fights or bagged an illegal bottle of wine or didn't pay attention in class before? I mean, please. He doesn't need Ritalin; he needs a foot in his ass. And thus endeth this week's episode of "The Childless Woman Tells Other People Fuck-All About How To Raise Kids."