Tony is lolling about in bed, with a half-naked Icelandic stewardess draped across his chest. I gotta say, body hair looks much better on Gandolfini than it does on Krause. I'm not sure why that is. In any case, Tony and the bimbette discuss the various geological and tectonic implications of volcanic activity in Hawaii (no, really, they do), but they're interrupted by his cell phone. Admonishing her to be quiet, he rolls over and grabs the phone out his discarded pants. He then positions himself so that he can spend a significant portion of the remainder of the scene with her breasts pressed against his stomach. I bet Jim really likes his job. It's Artie on the phone, and he's calling to cry some more and then apologize to Tony for failing to collect on the loan. He also admits to having taken a lot of pills, and then passes out. Tony is obviously freaked by his second brush with suicide in such a short time, and he frantically dashes around the room while trying to pull on his clothes. Finally he settles down enough to call 911, figuring "they'll do him more good than [he] can."
Maison de Devin. She leads the boys into an immense living room, and the first thing AJ notices is the collection of Picassos hanging on the wall. After verifying that they're real, AJ first comment is, "They're all cocks." Heh. Harry Notter tools some more about how expensive everything is, and then wanders off to inflict his pretentious knowledge of brand names on someone in the next room. Meanwhile, AJ is left alone with Devin, and he's not quite sure how to handle the knowledge that she's way richer than he is. "I just wish you would have said something," he tells her. "I feel so stupid, with my mother's stupid Lladro." That's the spirit, AJ. And between that sentiment and his abilities to identify Picassos on sight, I think we may have a budding art student in our midst. Devin tries to defend herself, saying that her father's money shouldn't matter. AJ seems to agree, but they end up just sitting there in an awkward silence.
Daniel: Man, those paintings have more cocks than the Poultry Sciences Department at the University of South Carolina.
Aaron: Still working on that catchphrase, huh?
Daniel: Yeah. It's not going well.
Tony rushes into a hospital room to find Artie, who is apparently alive and only slightly the worse for the wear. He's still a schlub, though. After sobbing silently for a moment, and thus giving me enough time to make a macro for the phrase "Artie cries some more," he then explains to Tony that the money is all gone, and he has no hope of collecting it. Tony, however, is more concerned that Artie felt he couldn't talk to Tony about the problem. Basically, they're both feeling sorry for themselves. When Tony somewhat heartlessly points out that Artie has already missed a payment and is also late on the vig, the poor guy sobs even more and offers to give Vesuvio over to Tony as payment. What the hell is Tony going to do with a restaurant? Burn it down? Tony apparently agrees with me on this one, because he refuses to accept. Instead, they decide to wipe out his tab and pretend that Captain Jacques is dead. Artie is suitably grateful, but then understanding seems to dawn in his eyes. "The cobwebs are now removed," he declares. "You saw this whole thing, didn't you? You knew exactly what was gonna happen." Yeah, so? Anyone who's ever watched the show knew what was going to happen here. "It's like an instinct," continues Artie. "Like a hawk sees a little mouse moving around a cornfield from a mile up. Somebody mentions fifty grand to bankroll a French digestif, and your mind goes through all the permutations at like internet speed and realizes, worst case scenario, 'I eat for free.'" Heh. Internet speed. Tony doesn't find it funny in the least, however, as he takes this to mean that Artie blames him for causing this whole mess. Which, technically speaking, he did. Tony demands that they keep the suicide attempt a secret, and forces Artie to claim that he was mugged. He even steals the guy's wallet to help the cover story. "Enough people hate me," he shouts, grabbing Artie around the neck. "You got fucking mugged, do you understand me? I didn't loan you shit!" With that, he storms out of the room, and heads off to the Billy Joel concert.