Over at Pants's Place, Joey and Wide Guy are enjoying a leisurely afternoon together when Artie stops by. Joey makes a few restaurant "jokes" that I can't even bring myself to transcribe, then offers to have Wide Guy clean Artie's chef uniform by sucking the stains out. Pure class, that Joey Pants. Anyway, they sit down, and Artie delivers a series of incredibly bad lies as he asks to borrow $50,000. I'm serious, people. Tiger Woods couldn't hit out of those lies. And if you think that joke was bad, you should be really happy I didn't repeat Joey's. Joey considers his options for a moment, then politely declines the request. "If you don't pay me back," he explains, "I ain't gonna be able to hurt you." You know, that may very well be the most sensible thing Joey Pants has ever said on this show.
Hmm. What's this? We're in an unfamiliar wood-paneled room with two chairs facing each other in the center. I can't help but feel like I've been here before, but I'm having a hard time placing it. And now there's like this strange woman asking Tony about his feelings. What's up with oh! Now I remember! It's Melvis! No, wait it's Malthus, right? Melbourne? Meltdown? Melanoma? What? Oh. Melfi. That's right. Thanks. It seems the show's Start-to-Therapy counter has stopped somewhere in the high five-figure range, as Tony sits down across from his doctor and cheerfully asks if Gloria Trillo is "still hanging around." Heh. "It's a terrible tragedy," sighs Melfi. Tony instantly leaps out of his chair, swearing and spitting, and we're treated to yet another scene of Tony menacing Melfi while she calmly explains how scared she is. They finally bring her back, and it's for this? Sorry, Lorraine. He's enraged that she didn't tell him about Gloria, but Melfi clunks, "I give my patients everything I've got, and when something like this happens, I'm devastated." That manages to calm Tony enough for him to sit back down, and he even gingerly replaces the Kleenex box he knocked off the table. "She was a good kid," he laments. "But she was fucking crazy, and I told you." And the indignities continue to mount. Now she's even got Tony diagnosing patients for her. He goes on to rationalize his decision to end their affair, but he's also quick to blame himself, pointing out that she killed herself after their break-up. Will Melfi get a chance to help him through these problems? What do you think? Yep, that's right. End of scene.