Everybody Hurts

Episode Report Card
Aaron: C+ | 1 USERS: A+
Stuck In The Middle Review

Back at home, Artie is practicing his best confrontational lines in the mirror. Here's a few samples:

1. "Oh! You're home! I called you five times. Qu'est que c'est? Message machine broken?"
2. "Those fucking shoes you wear, what are they, designer?"
3. "You fucking avoiding me, motherfucker?"
4. [My personal favorite] "Are you gonna cry now? Stand up, you frog-eating faccia de graz. I will fuck you up!"

That last one is punctuated with a little kung fu move that really sells the line. Again, you'll just have to trust me.

And because it wouldn't be right if he wrote the whole script and only gave himself one scene, we now get a brief but ultimately pointless interlude wherein Christopher and some random guy get really high and look like shit. I especially could have lived without the part where random guy pukes. If you can't top the Adriana scene, you shouldn't even try.

An elevator door slides open to reveal that noted bad motherfucker, John Shaft. Except for some reason, he's now white, balding, and not at all intimidating. Oh, all right. Fine. It's actually Artie. I know. Shut your mouth. And besides, he really is wearing a vintage seventies leather coat. He struts over to Captain Jacques's apartment and rings the bell. Jacques opens the door to let him in, and Artie trips all over himself trying to get out his rehearsed dialogue. They make small talk for a minute, and then Artie demands his money. Captain Jacques, however, claims not to have it, and blames the whole thing on Credit Lyonnais. Yeah. If that didn't work for the BCCI, I'm not sure why Jacques thinks it'll help here. By the way, if you got that joke, you really need to get out more often. When Artie's nervousness starts to show, Captain Jacques realizes he might be able to get away with this. He spins some story about marketing failures and whatnot, and when Artie demands the immediate return of his money, Jacques tells him to be a "big boy" and just "move on." Artie then grabs him by the throat, and what follows is a ridiculous girl-fight punctuated by expletives in various funny foreign accents. The fight ends when Jacques rips Artie's earring out, then shoves him into the hallway, moaning in pain.

Elsewhere, AJ and Mop-Top are heading over to Devin's house. As they drive, Moppy delivers the following sex advice to AJ: "The thing is to keep knocking on the door without going in right away. You gotta poke the perimeter and tap on the gate until she's out of her fucking mind and begging. Then you own that shit. That pussy is yours." Shut up, Harry Notter. And furthermore, my plans to use that nickname for him in the future are only compounded when he proceeds to actually uses the word "forsooth" in a sentence. God, what a tool. AJ reports that he's heard Devin's house is nice, and then the boys pull up in front of a cute little home with a gate in front. Harry describes the place as "sort of Bo Peepish," but that's only until he realizes it's just the gatehouse. Heh. After announcing themselves into the intercom, the boys drive into what appears to be an incredibly large estate. They pull up in front of a house that dwarfs even Das Sopranohaus, and are questioned by a security guard until Devin runs out to claim them. AJ walks over to his girlfriend, and offers up a pretty lame, "Wow. Nice place."

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