For All Debts Public And Private

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Money for Nothing (And Icelandic Chicks for Free)

Speaking of silent, Uncle Junior and Wacky Old Guy are asleep on Junior's sofa. As always, the video playing on the TV perfectly complements the action on screen. Wacky Old Guy finally gets up to go home, but the phone rings before he can make it out the door. Junior wakes up, and rudely demands that the phone be answered. Wacky Old Guy (whom I'm considering renaming, because I've just discovered that abbreviating his title creates an unfortunate ethnic slur) speaks to the caller for a moment before hanging up and relaying the conversation to Junior. It seems that the FBI has had a mole at Dr. Lurkowitz's office for several months now, and when Wacky Old Guy mentions that said mole has just been called back to testify, Junior immediately makes the connection to Hot Lips. With a depressed sigh, uncle June collapses back onto the sofa.

Back in the Range Rover, Tony has Christopher pull over in a parking lot across the street from a diner. The restaurant's front wall is all glass, so it's easy to see inside. What's not easy is understanding why one of the guys in there is wearing a Hawaiian lei and a pirate hat. Of course, when it comes to pirates, understanding isn't actually necessary. Everyone loves pirates. Well, everyone except baseball fans, that is. Anyway, Tony explains that the Diner Pirate is one "Barry Haydu, Detective Lieutenant in the Clifton police force." He's also supposedly the man who killed Christopher's father. Dun dun DUN! Now, according to the legend Christopher heard, his father was once in prison with a man named Jilly Rufalo. Jilly stabbed Papa Moltisanti's cellmate to death, so when he got out, Pops tracked down Jilly and poked out his eye. Detective Haydu then performed the Moltisanti hit at Jilly's behest, and killed Pops on his own front porch as he was bringing home a crib for Baby Christopher. Which is all well and good, except for the fact that Tony informs us that it wasn't actually a crib. "He had a bunch of TV trays he was carrying," he explains. "Could have been a crib just as easily." There's also a fairly significant continuity problem here with some things we've already been told about Chrissy's childhood, but that's been discussed to death in the forums, so I'll leave it alone. Chris, meanwhile, is just mesmerized by the fact that he's actually looking at his father's executioner. "Is that him?" he shouts. "With the sombrero?" Heh. Tony goes on to describe how crooked of a cop Haydu actually was, and also points out that his usefulness to the family ended with his retirement, which is precisely what is being celebrated in the diner. He hands over a slip of paper bearing an address, and a shell-shocked Christopher realizes that his opportunity to avenge his father may come sooner than he thinks.

Suburbia. A drunken Detective Haydu pulls up in his car to the strains of "Lady Marmalade" (original recipe). He makes his way into the house, and manages to tunelessly sing, "Hey Joe, wanna give it a go?" before Christopher pistol-whips him across the back of the head. After a long, creative, focus-pulling shot allows him time to regain consciousness, the Daddy-Killing Diner Pirate wakes up to find himself handcuffed to a banister while Christopher reclines on his couch, smoking a cigarette and watching Magnum P.I.. There's some banter in the usual "I'm about to kill you" vein, and then Christopher scores yet another zinger by calling the former Mrs. Daddy-Killing Diner Pirate "a real vile twat" for cleaning the guy out in their divorce settlement. Since this is The Sopranos, there's also a giant stuffed fish mounted on the wall. Of course, if this were Six Feet Under, that would have been a picture of one of the cast members pissing. Or possibly a giant bong. The scene ends with the DKDP denying any knowledge of either Jilly Rufalo or Papa Moltisanti.

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