Sopranos
For All Debts Public And Private

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Money for Nothing (And Icelandic Chicks for Free)

Now I'm not dumb, but I can't understand why Fairuza Balk was replaced out of hand. But I'm not real worried about it, because as we cut over to our intrepid FBI agent's home, Lola Glaudini and her ample red-bra encased cleavage are bending over to pick up a crying baby boy. Lola smiled and took him by the hand, and said, "Little boy, gonna make you a man." Well, okay, she actually just holds him for a moment before the phone rings, but it would have been way funnier my way. Lola's shoulder-holster-wearing husband answers the phone, and explains that Lola is unable to talk because she's working undercover for the government. Wow. So much for operational security. I think I'm beginning to understand why people are so critical of our intelligence agencies in this country.

Back at Chez Soprano, Tony is returning to the house with his paper when he's suddenly distracted by some rustling shrubbery near the pool. Is it an FBI surveillance team? A capo with with bladder control problems? The Knights who say "Ni"? Nope. Tony, however, is clearly hoping for ducks, which is why he's quite disappointed when it turns out to be nothing more than a squirrel. I'm sure Bullwinkle often felt exactly the same way.

Inside, Carmela is still going on about the Italy story in the paper. In other news, AJ is still stupid. It's good to know some things never change. Tony finally enters, and Carmela explains that the newspapers are part of AJ's social studies class at whatever new school the Plot-Device Fairy managed to get him enrolled in after last season's military school fiasco. "You passing social studies?" inquires an angry Tony. "You just reveal your own ignorance," replies AJ, as I cringe in anticipation of the massive head-smack my mother is about to deliver. Oh, wait. AJ said that, not me. Thank God. Tony smacks him one anyway, in solidarity with my mom, and then quickly moves to reconcile with his son by handing over the paper's automotive section, which features a full-color spread on various sports cars. Incidentally, Robert Iler's marijuana bust has apparently allowed for a munchies-free off-season, because the boy is looking noticeably slimmer this year. Carmela, meanwhile, is futzing around with the oven when she hears a knock at the front door. She quickly fixes her hair and puts on a big smile, only to be disappointed when the new arrival turns out to be Christopher. It seems she was expecting someone else, and that someone else turns out to be Furio. Hmm. Seeing as how David Chase has not yet been infected with Alan Ball's endless fondness for the word "fuck," I've decided to establish a Foreshadowing Coefficient instead (FS2 = 1). Anyway, Christopher explains that he's there to drive Tony, and Tony treats him with predictable rudeness.

Cut to the car, where both Tony and Christopher display an irrational (yet understandable) fear of Chevrolets. They also bicker about the fact that while Furio has the day off, Christopher has been reduced to serving as Tony's driver once again. Tony remains mysterious about his motives for wanting Christopher with him, and also takes advantage of this opportunity to reveal a little back-story about Papa Moltisanti. Chris's dad was a "stand-up guy," who once took on a whole crew from New England and brought the war home to their turf. Wow. Who knew Drew Bledsoe was Christopher's father? Spotting yet another Chevy in the rearview mirror, Chris becomes concerned that they're being followed until Tony notices that the car is full of nuns. "Might be undercover Feds," he snarks. "But I doubt it."

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Sopranos

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