Fortunate Son

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
And onward goes this thing of ours

Michael Knight: Dude, those chicks are kissing! Man, we never got to do that on Baywatch.
Michael Imperioli: Hey, shouldn't you be out, you know, fighting monster trucks or jellyfish or something?
Michael Knight: Nah. KITT's got a Boy Meets World Con in Vegas this weekend.
Michael Imperioli: How come you didn't go with him?
Michael Knight: Ah, that Topanga bitch slapped me with a restraining order. All I did was offer to prove that Trans Ams really do have a back seat.
George Lucas: I heard you got drunk and called her "Yo Bang Me" all night.
Michael Knight: Get out. Now.

Maison de Soprano. Tony "Robespierre" Soprano wanders through the living room, finding Janice curled up on the couch watching E! True Hollywood Story. Tony mentions that some kid called for her, and then asks if he's the fiancée she mentioned last week. Janice feels compelled to defend her taste in men by saying, "He's nineteen actually, and he can go all night." I feel compelled to rewind back to the strippers in a vain attempt to cleanse that mental image from my already scarred brain, but it doesn't help. Nothing helps. Tony joins her on the couch as she mentions that she'll be staying for as long as it takes to settle Livia's estate, which he describes as "a falling-down house and some old-lady underwear." There's a truly hideous close-up of Janice chugging a beer and snorting, and I can't believe I'm saying this yet again, but I miss the robe. Oh look, there it is. "You know how much we love having you around," he tells Janice, before offering to let her move into Livia's house, which Svetlana will be vacating in a few days. As much as I'm going to miss Livia, Janice definitely has potential as the new evil alpha female in Tony's life. Having gotten exactly what she wanted, Janice drags herself off the couch and goes to pack.

A brand spanking new Range Rover (complete with sticker still attached) pulls up in front of a pizza joint, and Christopher hops out. He's got a new sidekick this year -- some kid named Benny -- and if I were Benny, I'd be filling out applications to be a Star Trek ensign or the drummer for Spinal Tap, because "Christopher's sidekick" isn't exactly a position rife with long-term prospects. There's no way this guy survives the season. Inside, the proprietor gushes over Christopher, but over in the corner, Jackie Jr. and his pal Dino are talking smack. "Take away Tony and he's a zero with shoes," carps Jackie, and I start to wonder if perhaps David Chase experienced some sort of loafer-related childhood trauma. They head over to say hi, and while Dino is respectful, Jackie can barely bring himself to say congratulations. Small talk is exchanged, and it's revealed that Benny just got out of prison and Jackie is considering bailing on Rutgers. When Dino blabs about a coffee-house heist they're planning, Jackie Jr. flips out and starts abusing the clientele. Chris pulls him away and heads for the exit, saying, "I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I really can't be seen in places like this anymore." I think it's gonna take a little more than that, but it's still a good start.

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