Guy Walks Into A Psychiatrist's Office

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Aaron: A | Grade It Now!
All In The Family

Cut to Tony in a psychiatrist's office, but it's -- gasp -- not Dr. Melfi's. Instead we get some snot-nosed punk wearing jeans, a tan blazer, and cowboy boots. I don't like him already, and he hasn't even opened his mouth yet. Tony explains that he told his family he'd been broadsided, but it was really a panic attack. He explained that he had something of a "falling out" with his mom. "What kind of falling out?" asks Dr. Dorkus. Tony replies, "It was one of those unfortunate situations. Lots of screaming and profanity." Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Especially since it describes pretty much every date I've ever been on. That's why I joined the dating service (one-thirty and sweet, by the way). Dr. Dorkus reminds Tony that, with his sister back in town, old childhood feelings are beginning to surface. Tony complains that the feelings are interfering with his work. "What kind of work do you do?" asks Dr. Dorkus. Uh oh. You just know this is gonna end badly. "Waste management," replies Tony, and Dr. Dorkus looks really uncomfortable. "Uh, look, Mr., uh, Spears," he says, "I watch the news. I know who you are, and I've seen Analyze This." I knew there was a reason I didn't like this guy. Those au courant references just make the show seem like Will & Grace (tm Benjamin). Dr. Dorkus tells Tony he's not accepting new patients at this time, and that's the end of that. Also, "Mr. Spears?" Heh. Although I guess mob ties are as good an explanation as any for Brittany's success.

The Soprano Estate. The ugliest car I've ever seen (and I once drove an Edsel) pulls up, and Janice hops out. The car is even funnier when you realize it's Livia's. Inside, Tony greets her just as his other sister and her family arrive. There's much hugging and laughing, and our sense of family is enhanced even further when Carmela seems happy to see her husband being so affectionate, just as Meadow was a few pages back.

In the kitchen, Carmela reintroduces Janice to her parents, and tells them that she goes by the name Parvati now. Props to the writers on the name, because the story of the Hindu Goddess Parvati makes an interesting counter-point to Janice's relationship with Richie. But that's a story for another recap. Which you will get to read. Eventually. Maybe. Anyway, Janice leaves, and Mrs. Carmela Sr. sends Mr. Carmela Sr. to the market for canned pears, which everyone knows are superior to the regular ones. There's some discussion of how long it's been since they've visited, and Mrs. Carmela Sr. reminds Mrs. Carmela Actual of all the nasty things Livia said over the years, including (on Tony and Carmela's wedding day) that the marriage was a mistake because Tony would get bored with her. This hits Mrs. Carmela Actual a little too close to home, and she turns away.

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