Sopranos
I Dream Of Jeannie Cusamano

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Psychiatry pays for itself

Tony points out that two arson investigators said the fire was all right. Well, as "all right" as a fire can be. But why would Tony want to burn down Artie's restaurant? Artie says that Tony set the fire in order to help him -- Tony heard that Junior was planning a hit in Vesuvio's, so Tony burned the restaurant down to prevent the hit from happening. Tony wants to know if Artie really thinks he's that fucking stupid. Artie won't answer. Tony points out that his mother, god bless her, is going senile. Artie saw her for himself. Livia's losing it. She's confused and makes things up. Artie wants Tony to look him in the eyes and swear that he didn't burn down the restaurant. Tony swears on his mother that he didn't burn down Artie's restaurant. Bet that oath was worth a whole heck of a lot. Artie finally gives up and lets the gun drop. He looks really crushed. He picks up the gun and smashes his car with it. Then he smashes the ground, and then he goes back to the car. Tony tells him to look out, but Artie's not really interested in listening to Tony any more.

And then it's time for a nice relaxing dinner with the family. Is Tony a closet masochist? Because he is certainly showing a penchant for pain, what with the visit to the psychiatrist, the death and dismemberment of Chucky, the Artie Bucco interlude, and then dinner with his family? Maybe Dr. Melfi should look into that Prozac dosage, 'cause he's tolerating way too much right now. Anyway, the family, including Livia and Junior, is gathered around the dinner table. No one's talking. Everyone looks uncomfortable. Man, they're making me uncomfortable -- I'm suffering for you people! Tony opines that it's so nice that they can get together for their usual Sunday dinner. He'd hate it if anyone's nose got out of joint. AJ goes all Beavis and Butthead and blurts out, "Joint. Heh." Tony and Carmela give him a communal Look. Livia wants to know if the pork is cooked all the way through, because she heard about a family in San Luis Obispo that all died from trichinosis, which she defines as uncooked pork. And she would lose the bonus round with that definition, since trichinosis actually is a parasitic infestation of uncooked pork. You only get sick if you eat uncooked or undercooked pork that has gone condo for little teeny tiny worms that are more than happy to shack up in your body if ingested. In case you wondered. Tony points out that Livia told that story last year. She backhands him with a "look who knows everything." Tony changes tack and goes after Junior. Who won't tell him anything. So he goes back to Livia with, "I hear Artie Bucco came to visit you." Livia blocks his shot with, "Who is Artie anyway?" He rebuffs her defense with a one-two "old friend. Owns a restaurant that had a little fire." It's a tie game, and Tony shoots Carmela a knowing glance. She shakes her head sadly and looks at her plate. Tony is definitely a masochist.

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Sopranos

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