Carmela calls the family to the table for dinner. Livia is over, and she and Carmela are tag-team harassing Anthony Jr. about his manners in preparation for his upcoming semi-formal date. Carmela lets out one last holler that brings Tony out to the dining room. He's not looking so good. He's wearing his bathrobe, and Livia points out that his breath could peel oranges in Tokyo. He doesn't particularly care. Tony asks about Junior, but Carmela reports that he wasn't feeling well. I'll bet. Can you imagine getting invited to dinner at your nephew's house when you're waiting for the hit you ordered on him to go through the next day? Go writers go! Anyway, Livia starts jabbering about why Tony's in a bathrobe and how he has no right to be depressed because he wasn't dumped in a glue factory and had his house sold out from under him. Tony shakes his head and walks back upstairs to hit the Prozac and the pillow.
Tony's standing at the window, staring toward Stupid Neighbor's house. Carmela comes up and asks him what he's looking at. He swears he's looking at nothing, but Carmela pulls back the curtain and sees the Italian Beauty blowing in the breeze next door. Tony's depression and the fact that he took the Italian Beauty to lunch is too much for Carmela, and she lays in to Tony like an axe into a tree. And rightly so. Before she storms out, she tells him that if she had any self-respect she'd go Lorena Bobbit on his ass. Well, not his ass.
Livia and Junior are on a date. Livia's asking Junior why he wasn't at dinner last night. He says he couldn't, he's worried about "those poor kids." Dude. If you're worried about the kids, don't put a hit on their dad. Livia pooh-poohs him, saying that they barely have a father now anyway. God, she's encouraging him to do it! It's too creepy!
Tony drags himself out of bed to go to his psychiatric appointment. He takes his usual route, and after he gets his paper and his grapefruit juice, he gets jumped by the hitmen. Who are dressed like prep students, which is either a disguise to blend into the Montclair neighborhood or, when Junior went outside the neighborhood to hire, he went all the way to the Facts of Life set. Anyway, the first shot misses, and Tony dives headfirst into his car, where he grabs the gunman through the window, and the other assailant accidentally shoots the one wrestling with Tony. Tony chuckles for the first time in days and then grabs the other man's gun and peels out, towing the man along and twisting the gun until the man drops to the street. Tony's whooping and hollering at his victory with big ol' shit-eating grin spread across his face like margarine on toast until he notices that his SUV is about to plow into a parked car. He wakes up in the hospital with Carmela, Meadow, and AJ hovering over him while the doctor sews up his ear. Which is his only obvious injury, which is not too shabby for a balding, paunchy, middle-aged schlep. After Tony assures them that he's all right, he sends the kids out to the hallway, and the feds march in. They offer Tony a deal. Immunity against prosecution and relocation of the family if he testifies against the rest. Carmela is interested, but Tony tells the fed not to talk to his wife. Carmela tells Tony to suck her fat dick and asks the fed for the details. Tony hissyfits the fed out of the room. And did I mention that he's pretending that the whole incident was a car-jacking? 'Cause he is. Not that anyone believes him. Paulie and Little Stevie and Little Stevie's hair march down the hall like stormtroopers in matching polyester hawaiian print shirts and oversized navy suits. Shopping in the Oranges again, guys? They look upset. I'd be upset if the costume designer put me in that ensemble too.