Live Free Or Die

Episode Report Card
Daniel: B+ | 1 USERS: A-
Cockaround Guys

An AA meeting. These are always good for a laugh. A woman is describing her daily routine for the group -- coffee, couple lines of meth, shot of Jameson's: "And that was just to drive the kids to school." The group chuckles, knowingly. Chris mimes smoking a cigarette to Murmur, and they head outside to indulge another addiction. Their departure is noticed by another meeting-goer, who follows them outside, fortunately (for us) in time for Chris to express his contempt for human frailty, just as he lights up a smoke. "Chris, right?" says the guy. "Should I know you?" is Chris's tough-guy reply. The guy introduces himself as Kevin Mucci, from Yonkers, and we get a weird Lost In Yonkers reference, and he lays out how he and Chris met somewhere through his cousin, but it's not that important. "So I saw my cousin this week. Turns out he ran into a friend of yours. The big guy, Vito. "And?" says Chris, not really interested. "He was in a fag bar. Dancing with a guy." Chris gives him a "Get the fuck out!" But Kevin just nods and grins.

Chris screeches into the Bing parking lot, and he and Murmur hop out and stomp into the club to interrupt the boys' drinking. "You are not gonna fuckin' believe this!" Chris tells Tony, but he doesn't even get to drop the bomb himself. Murmur does: "Vito Spatafore is an ass-muncher!" Murmur's glee at relating this is cut short by the disbelief that greets it. Chris outlines the story of the alleged sighting at the bar, but the crew isn't believing it, what with Vito having a wife and goomar and all. Sal Iacuzzo is the cousin who spotted Vito (and Carlo speaks up, says he knows Sal) while he was in the bar, supposedly on business: "He saw Vito holding hands with a guy in nipple rings." "You're leaving out the best part," prompts Murmur, so Chris continues: "He was wearin' a motorcycle outfit, like the guy in the Village People, with the hat, and the vest." Chaps, too, says Murmur helpfully. Well, the chaps make the outfit, you have to realize. Tony thinks about this. So does Sil. But Paulie ain't buyin' it: "Fuckin' slander, ask me!" "Let's take this in the back," says Tony, in what will be the first of many setup lines this episode, and Murmur can't resist: "Yeah, that's what Vito did!" he cackles, and Tony tells him he can go. Paulie's glare seconds that emotion.

In the backroom, Paulie says that if it was him this rumour was being spread about, the guy doing the spreading would have something up his own ass: "And it wouldn't be no cock, either." Yeah, thanks for clarifying that, Paulie. Carlo vouches for Sal, saying that he's a friend of theirs. Meanwhile, Chris is trying to tell everyone that he "called it, long time ago." Tony doesn't believe him, and all Chris can say is "I never said it, but I knew." Tony doesn't want to rush to judgment, because for all they know, this Sal guy "could have a hard-on for Vito." Okay, I promise you we get it. Pretty please? Chris snickers, and Tony wants to know what's so damn funny. "There's a man's reputation at stake!" he says, and Paulie reminds him that it's a married man with kids. Carlo helpfully points out that it don't mean nothin', because even Elton John was married, and Silvio mentions Rock Hudson for no reason. Chris wonders whether they actually need to see Vito "take it in the ass" for confirmation, like, how much does HBO miss Oz, anyway, and Tony tells Patsy to get Vito on the phone.

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