Lauren Bacall carries her giant gift basket back to her car after presenting at an awards show. I'm sure you see where this is going. Sure enough, a thug in black runs up and tries to grab the basket, but Bacall isn't letting go, so he has to punch her in the face to get away. A crowd gathers around Bacall, who moans, "Oh, Jeeeeesus. My fucking arm."
Artie gathers the staff before opening at Vesuvio and peruses the two-for-one ad they ran in the paper. Coat Check reports that there's a line outside. Artie tells her to open the door, and a bunch of really old people come shuffling in, making special dietary requests. Artie's nightmare.
Benny's parents' anniversary party. Artie comes over to the table and shakes Benny's hand. He makes a toast to the anniversary couple, and asks whether everyone is set for drinks. No one wants to talk to Artie, as usual. Artie asks Benny whether he'd like a "Martina," which is a martini from Albania. Artie heard "they go down real easy." Man, that was an easy joke, but actually quite clever. For Artie, anyway. Benny's face is still all banged up, by the way.
Artie sautés some veg in the kitchen. Benny struts in and grabs Artie's hand, plunging it into a vat of boiling sauce, yelling, "In front of my wife?" Benny walks out in the resulting confusion, as Charmaine runs in and begs someone to call 911.
Christopher and Murmur get on the plane to head home. Christopher shows Murmur the headline in Variety: "Swag Grab Nabs Industry Blab." Just then, Ben Kingsley and his assistant arrive on the plane. Christopher gives him the stinkeye. The assistant apologizes to her boss, and Kingsley just says, "Fuuuck." Christopher spies on Kingsley from between the seats.
Artie visits Tony at his four top. Tony says that Carmela's father isn't coming, because father and daughter aren't speaking. Tony asks about Artie's hand, which is wrapped in bandages. Tony thinks today's crowd looks great, but Artie still has something negative to say about it, and blames it all on Benny. Carmela and her mother show up without Hugh. Carmela's mother starts sounding out everything on the menu, which annoys Tony. He's even more annoyed when he spots Artie making his tired high chair crack to yet another young couple.
Tony visits Artie back in the kitchen, and says that they need to talk about his problem. Artie is all sarcastic, but Tony says seriously that he's going to give Artie the name of a good Italian psychologist. Tony thinks that Artie goes about in pity for himself. Artie thinks that's priceless, coming from Tony, who points out in response that Artie blames everyone else for his problems instead of doing his own cooking, or changing the menu, or his décor. Artie wonders when Tony became a restaurant expert. Tony, who I can't believe hasn't blown up yet, says, "On one of the bleakest nights of my life, after the shit with my mother and that fuckin' storm outside, I came here, to this place. I sat out there with Carm and my two kids, and we ate and we drank, and we were so happy to be here, more than any other place in the world. And you know I'm gonna eat here until I fall off my chair. But in business, sometimes shit happens. The playing field changes, whatever. And you gotta do whatever you gotta do to keep your dick up." Artie, totally missing the point, tells Tony to go to Da Giovanni. Tony gets a little fed up, and says that nobody wants to hear Artie talk, and that he should stay in the kitchen.