Back inside, Diet Tony has been given the a new job as the event's official videographer. Ooh. As someone who's done a few wedding videos in his day, I can totally feel Diet Tony's pain. He starts off by asking Carmela if she wants to say a few words, but she's way too tightly wound at this point, especially because Tony hasn't even shown up yet. Which means, of course, that Tony shows up as soon as the words come out of her mouth. He's brought the charcoal and the meat, and that apparently includes the long string of fancy sausages he's got wrapped around his neck. Speaking as a Jew, I've often wondered whose idea it was to take all the leftover parts of a pig, stuff them into a plastic tube, and then fry it up and eat it for breakfast. That's just disgusting.
Tony obviously doesn't agree, however, because he carries the sausages outside to say hello to the birthday boy. And he accomplishes that goal by twirling the sausages around like giant, meaty nipple-propellers and singing a fake opera at the top of his lungs. It's definitely a grand entrance, but have we really learned nothing from Season 4? The don doesn't wear shorts, Tony. He runs over to Pa, rubs the sausages right in his face for some reason, and then gives the guy a great big hug. Pa is ecstatic. Dr. Fegoli is mortified. Pa makes the introductions, and Fegoli shakes Tony's hand like it's just been covered with uncooked pig entrails or something. As Carmela will later point out, I refuse to believe that a career diplomat could ever be that much of a blatant asshole. And I especially refuse to believe that a guy stationed in Italy for years would be surprised to find himself face to face with an unsavory character like Tony. In any event, Tony is pleased to have a doctor in the house, because "someone usually goes down at these things." Fegoli is thus forced to explain that his doctorate is actually in International Relations. "From Princeton," adds Ma, like she thinks that means God himself handed down the diploma on Mt. Sinai. (Incidentally, if Kim is writing next week's recap, you'll know that means Sars is reading this one.) "So you're a doctor like Kissinger is a doctor?" asks Tony, and Fegoli deigns to agree that this is at least a reasonable simile. Pa further reveals that the doctor has had an audience with four different popes. Wow. Does that include the one that only lasted thirty days? Tony makes yet another stupid joke before leaving to work the grill, and you can totally see Ma cringing like he just dropped trou and pulled a sausage out of his ass.