Phil and his sidekick Joey Peeps show up at the Bonpensiero body shop to collect his car, and Phil is all done up in that neck brace I mentioned earlier. It's a pretty funny visual, although it definitely would have been better if it were one of those cone things they put on dogs. Those are always good for a laugh. Phil refuses to talk business with Angie, preferring instead to wait until Pussy's brother emerges from the bathroom. Once he does, they exchange greetings, and Phil decides he wants to get caught up on the latest family gossip. "I was away when all that shit went down with your brother," he says. "What the fuck happened?" "We don't like to talk about it," replies the brother. And here's an interesting nickname dilemma for you: should Pussy's brother be called Penis, Asshole, or Twat? Because you could sort of make a legitimate case for any one of them. And why am I the only recapper that has to ponder questions like this? Angie and Asshole lead Phil over to the car, which looks pretty much perfect. Phil, however, isn't going to let Tony off that easy. First, he claims to spot a tiny dent in the side panel, and then he starts complaining that the paint looks duller. Penis assures him that everything is as it should be, but Phil climbs into the passenger seat, and loudly announces that it feels "off-kilter." He orders Joey to check it out, and Mr. Peeps makes a big show of settling into the seat and failing to get comfortable. Well, duh. It's not a Cadillac. Only product-placed cars get heated seats. "It reclines strange, too," adds Phil, despite the fact that no one has actually tried reclining the seat. Heh. He storms out, or at least hobbles out, Angie frantically trying to convince him that there's nothing actually wrong with the car. Twat just stands there, looking stupid and wishing his name were Tony.
Casa di Soprano. Carmela and AJ are eating dinner with her parents, and Carmela is trying to be all sly and convince her father that they're just going to Vesuvio for his birthday. Hugh can't hide his smug little smile, though, and Carmela quickly guesses that the proverbial cat is out of the birthday bag. Ma immediately blames AJ, but Pa is quick to finger Junior, which prompts Carmela to bitch about "that miserable fucking man." To my utter surprise, neither Ma not AJ chides her for the language. It's all water under the geezer bridge as far as Pa is concerned, and he even parrots Junior's line about not needing a surprise party because just waking up every day is a surprise. He asks about the guest list, and Ma rattles off a bunch of names, including a "Dr. Fegoli," which piques Pa's interest. "Who's Dr. Faggo?" asks AJ. Hee hee. That joke is even funnier if you speak Yiddish. Carmela is definitely not a Fegoli fan, because they like to send out five-page Christmas cards every year, with lengthy anecdotes about things like the time the good doctor got to shake hands with Andrew Cuomo on Flag Day. Hmm. I guess the guy's not famous enough to get Mario. Although Andrew is still better than Alphonse D'Amato. She also doesn't like the fact that Ma and Pa weren't invited to the ceremony back when Doc Fegoli received some kind of medal. What kind of medal, you ask? Well, Dr. Fegoli worked for the State Department, and was once an assistant to the U.S. ambassador to the Holy See. "He got a medal from the Pope himself!" exclaims Ma. "But when were kids together in the Navy," adds Pa, "he had such a bad case of the crabs that we called him the Governor of Maryland." Bwah! AJ loves that line almost as much as I do, but the women are totally mortified. Pa also seems to be operating under the assumption that Tony will be attending this soiree, until Carmela breaks the news that everyone thought it would be a good idea if he didn't show up. Pa calls that "a crock of shit," adding, "I've known the man for twenty-something years. It's his house. How's it gonna look?" He also accuses Carmela of "putting the screws" to Tony, which technically she won't actually be doing for another twenty minutes or so, and then leaves the table and the room while shouting that if Tony's not at the party, he won't be either. The hell? Since when has Pa ever liked Tony? As far as I can tell, the only things in life the guy has ever cared about are minor home repairs and telling boring war stories. In fact, not three weeks ago he was telling Carmela to get on with her life. So can anyone out there give me a reason why he's so upset about this? And "because the writers needed a reason to make Carmela eat crow" doesn't count.