Sopranos
Mergers & Acquisitions

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Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
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Mother should I check the mall?

Chez Soprano. Carmela is doing laundry when she comes across Valentina's glitter-encrusted nail in the folds of Tony's shirt. It doesn't take her long to grasp what this development means, and she angrily throws the shirt across the room. Great acting from Edie Falco here, by the way.

Meanwhile, Tony is out to dinner with yet another mistress. This time it's the leggy blonde with the volcano fascination he was with when Artie tried to kill himself. Only instead of babbling about tectonic plates and the Ring of Fire, she's instead switched to the subject of etymology, so as to better educate us on the origin of the phrase "mind your Ps and Qs." Damn. The only thing sexier than a girl who knows lots of useless trivia is a six-foot-tall blonde Icelandic lesbian stewardess who knows lots of useless trivia. It's like fetish porn for Jeopardy fans. Tony notices Christopher and Silvio talking over at the bar, and excuses himself to go join them just as Patsy Peesy gets deeply philosophical by asking Alexis Trebekjavik, "So there's an origin for everything, huh?" Heh. At the bar, Tony, Silvio, and Christopher discuss a business deal that we don't really care about, just as a way to demonstrate that the whole "speaking only through subordinates" thing isn't really working out the way Tony had planned. "I'm trying to free myself up to do a little global thinking," he explains, without further explaining that by "global thinking" he means "boning foreign flight attendants." They head back to the table, and we quickly realize that everyone there is with a mistress, instead of their wives. Except, oddly enough, for Christopher, who is apparently there alone. And you all thought he was a bad guy for using that "damaged goods" line. Because there's apparently only one restaurant in all of New Jersey that isn't Vesuvio, Joey shows up there as well, with Valentina in tow. He introduces her to everyone, prompting Christopher to giggle when he realizes that she's the one who "pulled that horseshit stunt."

Mere seconds later, Tony jumps up to "go make a call," and Valentina follows him into the back room. She tosses the diamond horseshoe back in his face, and seems quite jealous of Miss Trebekjavik. "What, does she fuck you better than me?" she spits. "Does she suck your dick better than me?" Well, all righty then. I guess this is where I make the obligatory Head of the Class joke. Tony is amused by her brazenness, and pulls her farther into the back room to explain that he has "rules," and doesn't want to get caught screwing around with another guy's girlfriend. "Look, that day in the countryside, that was…it was great," he says. "I just don't want to be where [Joey Pants] has been." Well, really, who would? Valentina tries to explain that Tony doesn't need to worry about that, because she and Joey don't have sex. "I swear to God, he's some kind of freak or something," she tells him, but Tony isn't interested. He sends her back to the table, and then emerges himself a few minutes later.

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Sopranos

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