Sopranos
No Show

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Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
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It's Only Puke & Coal (But I Like It)

You know, golf is a stupida fucking game. But that doesn't stop Tony and Artie, who are out on the course in what appears to be fairly cold weather. Artie, by the way, is the worst golfer ever. Some random stranger comes running over to talk to Tony, and I'm totally crushed that Furio doesn't materialize to steal his hat. Oh, well. Anyway, the stranger turns out to be the head of the esplanade construction company, and he tells Tony all about the missing floor tiles.

Cut to an enraged Christopher, screeching up to the construction site in his Range Rover. I should mention at the top that Adriana is in the car with him, and witnesses everything that happens here. Chris jumps out of the car and runs over to Patsy, and a brawl nearly breaks out as they shout at each other. Chris actually draws his pistol, and points it at Patsy as he emphatically reminds him who's in charge. "And don't think I forgot about you going through my fiancée's underwear drawer, either," he adds, conveniently forgetting that in fact it was Paulie, not Patsy, who did that. Some burly-looking construction dude standing nearby threatens to call the police, and as Christopher heads back to his car, Patsy goes upside the dude's head with a lead pipe. Adriana is disgusted by the violence, but I'm actually laughing a bit, especially as Wide Guy instructs the others to keep their mouths shut and get the wounded man to a hospital. The best thing about this scene? The approximately two million gallons of spit that went flying out of everyone's mouths as they yelled. I just hope someone issued raincoats to the crew.

Chez Shut up Meadow. Again she's lying in bed, and this time Carmela doesn't even bother to come in and check on her. Instead, Meadow yells out to her in the hall as she passes, and asks for a tuna sandwich. Oh. My. God. Shut. Up. Meadow. Carmela manages to at least look annoyed by this ludicrously selfish attitude, and I'm once again forced to turn to the Carmela-To-Aaron's-Mom translator, which tells me that Carmela should be thinking about whether to simply ground the child, or to sell her into slavery on a tuna-fishing boat instead. My mom would have gone with the former, by the way, which explains why I'm actually still grounded even today. Instead of, I don't know, maybe yelling, "SHUT UP, MEADOW," Carmela instead tries to ask how things went with Dr. Linda. Meadow explains that the session was confidential, and that she doesn't have to share details if she doesn't want to. And oddly enough, that's about the only rational thing she's said all episode. In fact, that was sort of my problem with this week's show, because somewhere around the half-hour mark Meadow stopped being a believable character, and started being a complete and total caricature of a bratty child. I get where they were going with this, but I just think they went too far.

Anyway, Carmela calls Tony into the room, and they attempt to team up on their daughter. Well, at least they do after Tony picks the cereal bowl he sat down on out of his ass. Heh. Meadow reveals that Dr. Linda thinks going to Europe is a great idea, and much screaming and yelling ensues. Meadow runs down all the old clichés, including "I'm eighteen now," "What is this, Afghanistan?" (those of you over twenty-five should mentally substitute "the Soviet Union" for that one), and my personal favorite, "I'm a grown woman, I can do what I want." Don't ask why "I'm a grown woman" is my favorite. You don't want to know. She also points out that Tony was originally in favor of her going, but he replies that Carmela doesn't want it. "Wow. Listen to Mr. Mob Boss," she snarks. "All this fucking pussyfooting around. Why not just get it all out there?" Tony is infuriated at this point, and he jumps out of his chair and presses his face right into hers. "You got something you want to say to me?" he snarls. "All these innuendos?" Meadow's faces loses all of its strength as she realizes that she's finally crossed the line. It goes without saying that the acting is excellent here, but Jimmy Gandolfini still seems to have a few tricks he could teach the kids if need be. "Are you referring to me that I didn't do everything I could to keep that kid from fucking himself up?" he shouts. "That yeah, knowing him and his family, that I didn't try to be a better dad to him than his own dad, God rest his soul? That I didn't try to protect Jackie Jr.? That I didn't actually smack him around because I was so frustrated? Is that what you're trying to tell me?" He does, of course, neglect to point out that he also ordered the kid's murder. Well, at least he doesn't say it out loud. His facial expressions, however, make it clear that Meadow finding that fact out is possibly his greatest fear. He shouldn't get too worried, though, because she's still too self-absorbed to notice. She insists that she refuses to tell anyone he's in "environmental clean-up" anymore, but the sheer weight of her father's glare finally causes her to break down. She starts sobbing, and screeches that she's going to Europe and they can't stop her before stomping out of the room. Tony yells after her, but to no avail. She's gone. So, remember when Tony said they'd be fucked if the kids ever found out they were powerless? Well, there you go.

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Sopranos

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