No Show

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
It's Only Puke & Coal (But I Like It)

Cut to Seoul, where, as usual, students are rioting in the streets. Except we're not actually in Korea; we're just watching it on TV. With Janice and Joey Pants, no less, who are curled up on Janice's sofa watching Faces of Death. Given his love of Gladiator, I'm surprised Joey chose not to go with Hannibal, as it's equally gory and also directed by Ridley Scott. Nevertheless, they're soon interrupted by the arrival of Tony, and Joey quickly scampers upstairs to hide. Down in the living room, Janice and Tony exchange small talk about Bobby Bacala ("he's fat"), Tommy Mottola (he's a "slow motherfucker"), and Janice's coffee-making skills (she only has "soy milk"). Suddenly, Tony notices a tasseled loafer that's been kicked under the table, and immediately deduces that Joey Pants is lurking somewhere nearby. Personally, I'm fairly certain he knew exactly what he would find there before he even opened the door, so I'm not sure why people in the forums are so surprised that he could figure it out from just a single shoe. Janice insists that her love life is none of Tony's concern, so he stomps out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

So, of course, we immediately cut to a door opening, as Paulie is escorted into the visiting area of the Youngstown State Penitentiary For The Chiropractically Infirm. Little Paulie has driven out for another visit, and he quickly brings Big Paulie up to date on the "no show" job situation. Big Paulie, however, has more pressing concerns: "Who's been to see my ma?" Little Paulie sadly reports that the answer is no one, although Tony did send some chocolates after he made a killing in his Frelinghuysen Avenue real-estate deal. The real fireworks start, however, when Little Paulie repeats Joey Pants's "ninety-five-pound mole" joke. Paulie doesn't find that one funny at all, but if you're reading this recap, you've already seen the next episode, so you knew that by now. Moving on.

A slow pan leads us across the esplanade construction site, and we come to rest on a sign that proclaims Newark to be "The OTHER City By The Bay." Yeah. The Bay of Pigs, maybe. And hey, speaking of pigs, here's Wide Guy, chatting on his cell phone as he and the other "no work" boys sit around the construction site. Suddenly, Christopher drives up, singing the ever-popular song "If I were a carpenter, and you were a douchebag." If I remember correctly, that's the very song Karen Carpenter was working on when she died. Or maybe that was Dean Martin. Either way, Christopher also laments the difficulty of working his new job. "I tell ya, this no-show shit is hard," he says. "Deciding what not to wear to work, what not to put in my lunchbox…" Patsy Pees-A-Lot continues to not be amused by Christopher's antics, although the little anthrax joke Patsy makes here does cause at least me to giggle. Christopher notices a huge roll of cable sitting on the site, and Vinny from Doogie Howser (who now looks to be about nine billion years old) explains that it's fiber-optic cable designed for high-speed internet access. "Lotta money in this shit," says Wide Guy. Yeah, no kidding.

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