Sopranos
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It's Only Puke & Coal (But I Like It)

Melfi's office. Tony is explaining the situation with Meadow, and to his credit, he does seem to understand that Meadow is largely the one at fault here. "She did have someone close die," he says, "but she brings that up whenever you ask her to clean up after herself. She's 'traumatized' or something." And can I also stop here to point out that in today's era of teen suicide, drunk driving, and random senseless violence, you'd be hard pressed to find a nineteen-year-old who hasn't had someone close to them die? Shut up, Meadow. Dr. Melfi thinks Meadow might be depressed, and suggests medication, but Tony is uncomfortable with that idea. He also explains that most of his daughter's anger is directed at Carmela, and that he and Meadow have always been close. "She loves me," he sighs wistfully. "Since she was a tiny baby." Melfi agrees with that assessment, but also points out the somewhat unsettling fact that as Meadow's father, Tony is "the template for all [her] future lovers." Does this mean I'm condemned to a life of dating women who are exactly like my mother? Because that would suck. Then again, I'm beginning to realize that I've spent most of the last twenty-nine years doing exactly that. Huh? What? This isn't MY therapy session, you say? Sorry about that. Anyway, Melfi gives Tony the name of an "adolescent psychologist and educational consultant," and suggests that Tony send Meadow to see her. When he realizes that might lead to Meadow discussing private family issues with a total stranger, however, Tony tries to rationalize the problem away by repeating that Meadow is due to start back at Columbia in a matter of days.

Chez Shut Up Meadow. Carmela wanders into her daughter's bedroom, only to find her zonked out under the covers in the middle of the afternoon. "I thought you had final registration today," she asks gently, but the Carmela-To-Aaron's-Mom translator in my head causes me to hear that as: "Get the fuck out of bed, go mow the lawn, and then register for classes and drive your sister to the mall before I beat you with a plastic fish." Meadow and her gigantic rat's nest of a hairdo finally manage to sit up and fix Carmela with a withering glare. Heh. Say what you want about Jamie-Lynn Sigler, but the girl does give great bed-head. Ew. Not like that. She then announces that she's decided to take a year off and go to Europe with friends, because she's not ready to deal with all the stress inherent in declaring a major. Oh, please. It's easy. I declared about twelve before I finally picked one. "And you obviously don't want me around here," she finishes, before rolling over and picking up the phone. Carmela stands there aghast for a moment, before plaintively whining, "You think I don't want you here?" Dear God in heaven. No wonder the child is so messed up. Who out there knows the real response Carmela should have given in that situation? Come on, say it with me now: "Shut up, Meadow."

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Sopranos

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