No Show

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
It's Only Puke & Coal (But I Like It)

Vesuvio. Artie whines about his divorce for a minute, but then Christopher arrives for his weekly chewing out from Tony. Tony reports that he got a "very angry call" from the construction company, and Christopher immediately thinks it's about "the M-80 in the Porta-Pot." And while it is true that I would have loved to have seen that, it's not the real reason Tony's mad. The boss goes on to explain that drawing heat to a quarter-billion-dollar construction project isn't the best idea anyone's ever had. "Use your fuckin' head, Christopher," he snarls, and Chris promises to do so in the future. Oh, yeah. That'll happen.

Cut to an outdoor basketball court somewhere, with Joey Pants and Wide Guy engaged in the worst game of basketball I've seen since I quit playing in the local Jewish league. Of course, the set they're on reminds me a great deal of Joey Pants's apartment in the movie Running Scared, so now I'm all paranoid that Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines are going to show up any second now. What? Stop looking at me like that. On a show that casts Linda Lavin, anything is possible. Joey is all giddy with puppy love for Janice, and Wide Guy is himself enthralled with the "pre-Raphaelite" curls in her hair. He also thinks her "big tits" give her an "earthy" quality. If that's the case, then Wide Guy is about as earthy as they come. He's Eartha Kitt, for Christ's sake. I haven't seen man-boobs like that since Richard Speck's prison-bitch video. Anyway, Joey makes Wide Guy hang around for a second game, and even goes so far as to goad him into playing better defense. Wide Guy thus scores the best line of the night simply by raising his right hand a bit to block Joey's path. Hee!

Oh. My God. What's the one thing you never thought you'd see on HBO? No, not a second season of Mind of the Married Man. Something even more shocking! Carmela is now actually using -- wait for it -- a computer THAT WASN'T MADE BY APPLE!!! Not only that, she's NOT LOGGED INTO AOL!!! I kid you not. There's even a little Gateway logo, right there staring me in the face. I guess this must be part of the fallout from Gerald Levin's departure or something. Or maybe Steve Jobs and Steve Case just forgot to pay their product placement bills. Either way, this does represent a titanic shift in the show's marketing schemes, and I just couldn't let it pass without comment. Anyway, Carmela is reviewing a financial planning website when Tony walks in. She immediately tells him about Meadow's plans for Europe, and Tony freaks out right along with her. AJ comes downstairs at this point for his parole-officer-mandated ten seconds of screen time this week, and promptly asks a question that just about everyone has heard in their own home at some point: "Are you still online?" Carmela, after just telling Tony not to yell at her, turns around and yells at AJ that "as a matter of fact, I am." And then, poof, AJ's gone, never to be seen again. Returning the discussion to Meadow, Tony blames her "constant harping on art" for all their problems, and Carmela insists that they send Meadow to the shrink Melfi recommended. Tony, on the other hand, would rather have her see a counselor at Columbia, because they're "Ivy League" there. I'm just going to assume that Sars has already fired me in brackets somewhere by this point, and just skip the inevitable Princeton joke. ["Aaaaand now you're fired." -- Sars]

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